Depressed

Now I'm not just stressed...I'm depressed. Guess that's what I get for skipping two days of my medication on top of all the other stress I've got going on. I just feel like I want to cry but I don't have the energy.

I've got so much shit running through my head right now. I really just need to stop and take some time to de-stress by myself...no kids, no husband, no internet, and no homework.

I seriously felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown yesterday evening. What I have known for awhile (but I try not to think about) is that I am NOT a good multitasker. Lately, I've been focusing on getting healthy, working out, etc. and then I let my housework fall behind and my family time fall to the wayside. When I focus on keeping the house in order, I drive myself crazy because it will never be perfect with all boys in the house and then I feel like a failure.

I just can't do it all. I'm not supermom, superwife, superfriend, superemployee, or superstudent. I know that and I hate it. I try to be a strong person and not think about things that will upset me. I try not to worry about things I have no control over. I'm just at a loss because I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and have so many priorities that I don't know where I should start first. So...I just avoid certain things.

I've been trying to avoid doing this for a long, long time but I think I have no other choice. I'm going to have to stop being selfish and doing things that make me happy (i.e. internet time, T.V watching, etc.) because by everything not being done and tended to like it should be, it's hurting and negatively affecting my family.

Gah. This sucks. One thing that I learned early on when I was a single mom was to stop and take time out for myself to keep my sanity. Unfortunately, I just don't have that luxury anymore. I made that choice a long time ago when I decided to go back to school. I just can't believe it's taken me this long to finally get my shit together and realize that.

To top things off, my sexual abuse issues are surfacing with the weight loss. It's hitting me the hardest when I come in close contact with men while I'm jogging. I take my cell phone with me just "in case" anything might happen. I feel violated all over again when a stranger looks at me. I should probably get back to working on my abuse workbook. I got so wrapped up in this quest to get healthy that I put that on the back burner and now it's cropped back up since I'm getting thinner and feeling prettier.

I have been getting numerous compliments at work about my weight loss and toning. It's great on one hand but then on the other hand it drudges up all the past stuff when people tell me how good I'm looking.

God. I just want to be normal. Just once.