Deep thoughts

*Trigger Warning* Sexual abuse references below

So...I am reading Dr. Phil's book (yes...I'm a weirdo and I like the guy) called "The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution" and I read a passage or a story today about a woman that really hit home with me.

I am (for the most part) past my binge eating days, overeating days, and sugar-laden days so I've conquered (or so I hope) all of those demons that he's spoken of and we're on to self-sabotage.

I'm guilty of it. Every single time I get down to about 20 lbs. less than I am now, I get all excited, reward myself with food, loosen the reigns (so to speak), and veer completely off track for weeks, if not MONTHS at a time.

He went over the story of one of his patients who has (or rather had) the same problem. Every time she'd get close to a weight loss milestone, she'd do something to completely sabotage herself and gain a bunch of weight back. After they delved deeper into her issues, Dr. Phil discovered that she had been sexually abused as a teenager and upon further discussion and review, her reason for self sabotage was due to the fact that she blamed herself for being too pretty, too thin, and too attractive and that she was the reason for her sexual abuse.

I really don't want to discuss my abuse but I will say that I was sexually abused by a family 'friend' at age 8 and my issues with that still haunt me to this day. I have dealt with the issue very well, in and of itself I think, but I still have quirky little things that I think I'll always have to deal with.

For instance, I have a very difficult time talking to men; I can hardly make eye contact with one that I don't know. I do everything I can to keep the conversation short and sweet, but I'm okay with the guy once I get to know him and determine that he is 'safe' and trustworthy. I also HATE the idea of anyone looking at me, especially and mostly men. Whether it's that the eye contact is too long, they stare too long at a certain body part, or watch me walk away from them. I feel completely naked, violated, and it gives me the heebie-jeebies.

I really think this is the root of MY self-sabotage. I can't sit here and say that I feel exactly how Dr. Phil's patient felt as far as I've never said those things to myself but it's so deep and it just makes sense; especially considering my bizarre issues with men.

Now that I am cognizant of this problem, I hope and I think that it will help be successful in my weight loss crusade and that I will be able to keep the weight off this time.

If you are having issues with weight loss and you want to read a good book, I highly recommend this one.