I feel so many emotions as I'm purging these clothes.
Disbelief - I cannot believe that some of these clothes are a size 3x?! Either I was in serious denial about my massive size or I just didn't care. Maybe both?
Anxiety - What if I fail again and don't have these to fall back on? What if this is premature?
Disappointment - I tried some of them on to make sure they were too big and some of them weren't as big on me as I had hoped.
Shame - Why/how did I let myself get to a size 24W? How did my husband, children, and friends let themselves be seen with me in public?
Memories:
Summer 2007 - I almost had to get off of a ride at Cedar Point because the seat belt wouldn't buckle until a ride attendant came and squished it together. You would have thought that would have been a low enough point that I would have been ready for a change but nope...it took me a year after that and I'm still a work in progress.
Shopping with mom last summer for my uncle's funeral - I had hardly any summer clothes that I could fit so I had to buy a few outfits before we left. One of the hardest things I've ever done is to have to admit to her what size I was then so she could help me look for clothes. Especially since she probably weights 115 soak and wet and is a size 4 or 6.
Vacation with the boys and my little sister - did I really let myself be seen in public in a bathing suit? Why didn't my little sister say anything to me about how horrendous I looked?
Winter sweaters - the bigger, the better to hide my massive fat rolls with.
I wasn't as happy or excited as I thought I would be. It's kind of surreal.
I think this is the right decision though. It will help keep me on track because when/if my clothes start getting a little snug, I won't have my 'safety net' to fall back on.
And just as a reminder to myself, here are a couple pictures of me at my biggest size:
May 31, 2006 - The day Collin was born - 271 lbs.
February 2008 - SIL's baby shower - approx. 245 -250 lbs.
February 2008 - My dad's 3rd wedding - I was so pissed off about him re-marrying and duping me into being in the wedding that I just ate, and ate, and ate until I didn't care what I ate (or looked like) anymore. In a sick and twisted way, I sort of wanted to look bad for his wedding and make him pay for hurting me and my siblings.
August 2008 - Myrtle Beach - approx. 252 lbs.
Disgusting. NEVER AGAIN.
