Update on weight loss (or lack thereof)

I know, I know. I've neglected my blog.

I've been here numerous times throughout the past weeks but every time I get on, I just don't know what to type because I'm so disgusted with myself.

I'm still off my plan. It's pretty much been a free-for-all since Thanksgiving.

I had a mini melt down last week after shopping for some breakfast/snack stuff at the store. I came home with Double Stuff Oreos, 4 packages of Little Debbie Snack cakes, and 4 cans of Pringles. Wow?!

I didn't really realize that I had picked up that much junk food until Matt & I went to go put it away. He was pretty pissed, needless to say. He actually confronted me about my binge/bad eating. Talk about humiliating. I know he didn't talk to me about it to accomplish that but he has not really said much to me about my eating habits throughout the 8 years that we've been together and so I was completely blindsided by this conversation.

What I did figure out is that I have no clue how to eat NORMALLY. Give me Weight Watchers, I'm good. Give me Atkins, I'm good with that too. But cut me loose to eat freely on my own and it's not a pretty thing.

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure that I'm not depressed but I'm in a funk. It's pretty much spilled over to all areas of my life. I'm bored out of my mind at work. I'm bored at home. Lord knows I have plenty to do at both places, but I just find myself lacking the motivation to get the stuff done that I need to, whether it's eating good or getting stuff accomplished.

I'm having some major sleep issues right now and so maybe that's part of my problem. I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. I toss and turn and probably wake up once an hour or once every other hour. I can't get to sleep at night when I finally get to bed...about an hour or two after I should go to bed. Then I'm dragging all day the next day and the cycle continues.

I'm seriously considering going back to my psychiatrist. I really don't want to go back on anti-depressants but maybe if it's not depression he can refer me to a good counselor.

I have been having some issues with my self-image again too. I'm in one of those moods where I don't want to be 'seen'...I'd much rather just blend into the background. I started to feel more attractive a month ago or so after I'd lost the first 20 lbs. and then I started getting self-conscious. I hate it when people look at me. Well, not women so much but I hate it when men look at me. I was starting to get to that point men were paying more attention to me. It is so uncomfortable. I really need to nip that problem in the bud.

I really, really hate the man who molested me. :( It is because of him that I'll never be "normal" in that respect.

Enough about that pig though. I've let him have way too much control over my life for way too long.

I do have a plan. I am back on my [eating] plan starting the first of the year. I will also start working out again then. My friend Jody and I are going to work out at lunch at work since we get an hour for lunch and have a nice weight room to exercise in. I am going to try to Wii Fit a couple of the other days at home. Wish me luck. I need it.