So I have to take a break for a minute...

From my homework. Effing class is about ready to make me lose my mind!

So...I may or may not have mentioned that Matt is low-carb dieting with me. He doesn't really make a big deal out of it (unlike me!) because he doesn't have the food issues that I do. "I just don't think about it," he said last night when I was boo-hooing over the cake (or something like that...I'm horrible at quoting people).

He rarely weighs himself (unlike me since I weigh in 2-3 times per week), hasn't started back working out (unlike me who works out 60-90+ minutes per week), and struggles to get his daily water in (unlike me who can drink 80-120 oz. per day plus coffee and sugar-free kool-aid) and the man has managed to lose probably close to 15 lbs. since we've been back on track.

Now I will say that his job is more active than mine (I sit probably 95% of my work day) and I do 'indulge' (ha, ha! that's putting it mildly, huh?) more often than he does but I'm still frustrated!

Don't get me wrong...I'm really happy for him (and proud!) and he's looking uber sexy now (hubba, hubba!) but he now weighs maybe 8 pounds more than me.

I don't know what I'll do if his weight gets down below mine. I don't know if my self-esteem can take the hit right now. I have only weighed more than him once in our relationship and that was because I was 9 months pregnant with Collin.

I have GOT to get my butt in gear!

Men suck.

I actually cried over...

A frigging piece of birthday cake!

We celebrated my Grandma's 84th birthday tonight and there was probably one of the biggest cakes I've ever seen there. It was half chocolate, half white with more pink icing roses than you could count. I wanted a piece soooo badly! I circled the damn thing probably a dozen times but I controlled myself and didn't have a piece.

I felt deprived. I'm not going to lie. I seriously cried a little on the way home. Not necessarily because of the cake but because I know this is a lifestyle change and that I'll never be able to enjoy little things like that, like a 'normal' person would (normal = eating healthy, reasonable foods, or eating 'bad' foods in moderation). At least it feels that way right now...maybe not so much eventually. (you give me hope with that, Becky)

If this party would have been yesterday, I would have been fine but I'm taking things especially hard today. I'm starving now, which doesn't help. I think I may have a little bowl of cereal...

Back down (almost) a pound

Down .8 lbs. since last Friday's weigh-in. :)

I'll take it! (especially after my adult fun night involving several margaritas last Saturday)

I am not changing my ticker yet since I'm still .2 lbs. over what I was two weeks ago. I am finally back to being un-busy for awhile so I'm hoping to have a bigger loss and to be able to move my ticker again next week.

No pressure though; I'm happy to lose a pound a week as long as it stays off! :)

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I gave away CHOCOLATE!

Can you believe it?! I've had a handful of chocolates that I got in class on Saturday that I've been holding on to for some unknown reason. One of our supervisors has a candy jar and so I walked my happy self over there today and dropped it off in her jar.

Yay me! :)

Baby steps, right?

As promised...pictures!

Totally random here: Collin trying on Addison's Christmas present...I really need a little girl!

Sledding brudders

Mommy & Collin sledding

Getting ready to sled

Pensive Adrian

Abominable Snow Collin

Me - this was my hair after maybe three minutes of clearing the car today

The view getting ready to leave work at 11:30 a.m. - there was probably at least six inches of snow by then

The highway on the way home

Mommy & Collin playing in the snow today; after I shoveled the drive way for an hour

And just for your viewing pleasure...there were no pictures or video of the near bowling over of the kids last week but here is a classic Jessica outtake...please forgive Adrian's shoddy filming of the incident. I could not get myself to go down the hill at first but then it got way too fast at the end and I toppled over. Adrian (and everyone else) thought it was hysterical.

Winter sucks

I will try to get a picture of this yuckiness before the day is over. It took me an hour and a half to get to work this morning, when it normally only takes me 45-50 minutes. Then I get here only to find out that neither of our supervisors are here and only 1/4 of our examiners.

I am truly an idiot for not just calling off of work to have a snow/sledding day with the boys.

Did I mention that we took them sledding last week? Heather says I need to put pictures of our outing up on my blog but I fear that you will all laugh at me hysterically from behind your computers because of what a dork I look like. Matt actually conned me into sledding on one of the inner tubes and I went down...on my stomach. I nearly took out 2-3 kids but it was a lot of fun. I believe there are pictures of the incident, but I'm not certain since I haven't uploaded the pictures to my laptop...

Heather - enjoy your day at home with the kiddos! :oP

Leave it to Collin...

To cheer me up. :)

I turned on my playlist and put Collin's favorite song. He instantly got excited, started bobbing his head and singing along.

Yes...I'm a sad, sad mom and woman. The song started out as a joke because at the beginning it says "Collie, pa, pa, pa, pa!" (or at least that's what it sounds like). Collin's name is Collin Parker so we (insert I) started calling him using this phrase and it quickly became one of his favorite songs over the past year or so. He even sings along to it (the 'clean' version of course...I'm not that bad of a mom, LOL).

Here is the YouTube video...he hasn't seen this yet, thank goodness! (especially since it's the 'mature' version)

WTH is wrong with me?

I was supposed to start back low carbing today but I'm having major family stress right now and cannot get myself back on track. I haven't binged or over-ate per se but I haven't exactly been eating low-carb. I hate that I'm an emotional eater and that I turn to food to cope with my problems.

Someone give me a virtual swift kick in the ass!

Here is to another crappy weigh-in on Friday. Argh!

25 random things

I just now realized. :)

This is totally copied and pasted from Facebook but here you go!

Another Random Things Notes...peer pressure!

Share
Today at 8:42 p.m.

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1) I should be doing my computer homework right now but I'm procrastinating since it's so mindnumbingly boring.
2) I'm still hungover from last night.
3) I am low carb dieting, but I took this weekend off due to my little binge drinking session yesterday.
8) I am a part-time to three-quarter time student.
9) I also work full-time.
10) I have been at my job for going on 11 years now.
11) I have two sons: Adrian is 10 and Collin is 2.
12) I want another baby badly.
13) I really want a girl but I'd be happy with another boy.
14) Men I would cheat on my husband with are Brad Pitt, Adam Beach, Maynard Keenan, Jonathan Rhys Myers, and Ryan Buell (the director of Paranormal State...I know...I'm a weirdo).
15) I haven't read any of the Twilight books or seen the movie but I want to.
16) I am madly in love with my husband and my life wouldn't be complete without him.
17) I love my husband's ex-girlfriends. They are some cool chicks! I consider one of them a BFF and the other one may be eventually (I just met her yesterday).
18) I was a very young mother; I had Adrian at 18 years old and even thought it was hard being a single mother, I don't regret it at all.
19) I am currently going to school for an associate's degree in business management - human resources.
21) I want to get my bachelor's degree in human resources management and then eventually get my master's degree so I can semi-retire early and then teach at a community college.
22) I am a sugar addict, which makes low carb dieting unbelievably difficult!
23) I am overwhelmed at the amount and blessed to have the friends that I do (IRL and on-line friends).
24) I am 1/2 Sioux Indian and obnoxiously proud of my heritage.
25) I thought it would be hard to write this but it was fun!

I'm not going to tag 25 people but there are a few people I'm interested in seeing post this: Becky, Lisa, Heather (both of them), Kelli, and anyone else who reads my blog. If you decide to do this, let me know in the comments so I can check it out.

I'm so proud of Adrian

He got his report card on Friday and got all A's on his report card with the exception of a B+ in Math. I still think that's pretty good considering that he is in fourth grade and they are learning stuff that I did in Pre-Algebra!

He is also learning how to save money (thank goodness!). He has been begging us for a PlayStation 3 but we refuse to spend $300+ on a game system for him. I'm very big on not overindulging Adrian & Collin because I don't want them to grow up with an instant gratification mindset whenever they decide that they want something. It's not healthy, in my opinion. Anywho...he has taken it upon himself to start saving money towards this. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he goes to buy it, even though it'll be awhile. :)

He has also taking a liking to the ladies. He's really coming out of his shell and the girls are really digging him, from what I can tell. I told Matt that it's only a matter of time before our phone starts ringing off the hook.

My baby is growing up...

Weekly weigh-in

I'm being super lazy today so here is a copy and paste from my message boards:

I gained .7 lbs. That time is almost gone so I'm sure that is some of it but I did NOT do well last weekend. I won't even tell you how many cupcakes I had and then I had pizza for dinner on Saturday and so I have no doubt that's what the real culprit is.

I am not changing my ticker to reflect this small gain.

On a positive note, I did keep up with my exercise and I did extremely well with my water intake this week. I can also tell a difference in how my clothes are fitting. I'm still down from about 4 sizes from my highest weight ever and getting close to getting back into a size 18W (which I was in right before Thanksgiving...argh!!!)

I am revisiting Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution book and pulling out all the stops. I have been having some desserts and candy with artificial sweeteners and apparently that is a no-no when you're doing true Induction. I'll start true Induction on Sunday and see how I do with that.

Wish me luck! :)

I am NOT giving up this time!

Be mindful...not mindless

This was the biggest thing I forgot to mention to you all about Monday.

I believe that my friend Becky already practices this way of thinking while eating, from reading her blog. It's really a great concept.

The majority of people that read my blog are busy mothers. So...we are great at multi-tasking. How many times do we eat while reading, on the computer, or in the car??? When we do that, we are mindlessly eating. My therapist suggested being mindful of what you are eating, how much you are eating, how you are feeling as you eat and that you stop when you feel satisfied and full, but not gorged. She also suggested that I eat slowly and enjoy the food.

I think the biggest thing that will help me in this respect is eating at the dinner table. What a concept??? I eat often in front of the T.V. or while doing my homework or on the computer and so I don't think about what I'm eating, how I'm feeling, etc. I firmly believe that this will help. I'm not saying that I won't eat while on the computer or while reading any more; I'm just going to try to bring along a healthy portion of what it is I'm eating and stick to that instead of eating out of a whole bag of something.

The added bonus...I get to re-connect with Matt and the boys and it will bring us a little bit closer together as a family.

For me, this weight loss journey and journey to self-discovery and awareness is about getting back to the basics and focusing on what is important to me in the long-run which is my health and my family.

And on a positive note, I didn't snack at all after my blog post last night and I've stayed under my carb limit I've set for myself the past two days. Yesterday I was actually under 1500 calories for the day and I even did HIIT on the elliptical. I'm finally getting to the point where I'm not starving! Yippee!

Therapy update

I had my second session yesterday and it was unbelievably therapeutic.

There were a couple of things I wanted to share that I thought you might be interested in.

We discussed my binge eating (I am so ashamed of those two words but the truth hurts). Sugar is my downfall, which she explained to me is very common with binge eaters. She explained to me that when the first bite of a sugar-laden food is consumed that the majority of the pleasure centers in the brain light up. The second bite lights up less and then the third bite barely lights up any. By the time you get to the fourth bite, little to none of the pleasure centers light up. So, in theory (according to her), if you have a craving you should have one to three bites, put it down and if you still want it 20 minutes later, then have another bite or two and so on until you are satisfied. She thinks that if I try this that I won't want any more after the first three bites.

I have yet to try this because I'm eating low carb and sugar is not conducive to this lifestyle. If I get in a pinch, I'll try this and let you know what I think.

She also doesn't think I should low-carb 'diet' either. I explained to her that I'm well aware that whatever I decide to do that it has to be a lifestyle change and not a diet. The problem is that I am sooooo hungry on any other 'diet' that it sends me into crazy binging sprees...not a good thing at all. So...unbeknownst to her, I'm going to keep low-carbing until I've made a valiant effort and can't lose any more weight. I'm hoping that I won't have to do that but we'll see.

The other thing she suggested is basically savoring food one time by myself. I'm supposed to look at it, smell it, feel the weight of it on my fork, savor the flavor while eating it...you get the point. I have yet to do this too because I never have time alone to do this and there's no way in hell that I'm doing that in front of Matt or the boys...they'd really think that I lost it then! LOL

Lastly, she wants me to start working on this workbook:

I leafed through the first few pages on Amazon.com and it looks really interesting. She said that the first half of the book doesn't even deal much with sexual abuse and it looks like she's right. I ordered it off of half.com for like $8 and I can't wait to get it.

It's been since Sunday night that I ate anything really bad. This is killing me. I'm a little hungry but nothing crazy and all I want to do is go into the kitchen and eat half of the plate of cookies that my MIL baked with the boys today. Maybe I'll get a sugar-free ice cream bar or a couple of sugar-free chocolates instead...

Quick update on my weigh-in from Friday

I only lost .4 lbs. :(

I was a little depressed at first but I know most of it is probably water because it's that time. I did have one meal where I cheated and there were a few random pieces of chocolate and a couple of low water days in there.

Yesterday was pretty bad when it came to bad eating. This Saturday class I'm taking is really testing my willpower and I'm failing miserably. Our instructor brings us breakfast since it starts so early. For a 'normal' eater, the stuff isn't too bad: bagels, cream cheese, orange juice, milk, granola bars, coffee cake, and donut holes.

We had to do 'training' sessions yesterday for our individual projects and probably half the women in the class did food-related training sessions. I was no different - I brought cupcakes. So in addition to the breakfast stuff, we had cookies, brownies, cupcakes, a whipped cream dessert, and candy.

I'm not going to share what I ate but just know that I blew it. Not as bad as I thought I would but it was not good and so next Friday's weigh-in may reflect it.

I have got to get myself under control!

Looking for Blogs

I'm trying to rid my life of unnecessary negativity and so I've deleted some blogs from my blog roll, which means I've got some open spots.

Plug your blogs here in the comments (if they're not already on the blog roll) or share blogs that you think are funny, inspirational, or uplifting.

Inject my blog with some positive vibes! :)

Random pics

I really need to get a life and stop taking pictures with my phone...(here are a couple you asked for, Heather)

Me, John (my future BIL), and my sister Kelli at New Year's

My new 'do (okay...so it's not so new...just a variation of the same old boring cut I've been getting for 3 years now)

Up close color (red violet brown - you can't tell in the picture but it is more 'vibrant' this time)

My knock-off Bob Evans' Border Scramble Omelet - doesn't it look delicious? (it was!)

I'm a wreck.

Yep...that's the conclusion I've came to (or is that come to? I dunno?)

So I saw my therapist today. I think I'm going to like her. She actually used 'dude' when we were talking. Anyone who knows me knows that I say 'dude' all the time. One point for Abby (my therapist). What a great name too?! Kind of like 'Dear Abby'. :)

Anywho, it's been so long since I've allowed myself to feel much. My life is so busy that I'm on auto-pilot most of the time and today I actually cried while talking to her. I didn't think I had it in me but, yep...I cried.

I hate crying. It's not that I feel weak or anything (because lord knows I've cried enough over my lifetime and it's a good release), I just don't like to since I feel like I don't have time to wallow in self-pity. And let's face it, it hasn't gotten some people I know very far in their life and I refuse to be that person who no one wants to be around because they just bitch and moan about their life but won't do anything about it.

We decided to focus on these issues right now and in this order: 1) my obesity / poor eating / exercise habits, 2) my dad, and 3) my sexual abuse (which #3 kind of goes hand in hand with #2 since I'm angry at my Dad since his poor decision is why it happened in the first place AND why the pervert was never brought to justice).

Here are some other things we touched on:

- the fact that I'm surrounded by people with mental illnesses...yay me!
- my parent's divorce at age 6
- my dad and step-mom's divorce after 19 years of marriage
- dad's 'alternative' life style
- my concerns for my siblings' well-being
- me not having much of a childhood
- my awesome husband and how I'm soooo blessed to have found someone as great as him!
- my hobbies: social networking (i.e. MySpace, Facebook, & BabyCenter), happy hour with my friends, and reading (wow...I'm so exciting! Or am I just a sad person? I haven't decided)

I didn't see my psychiatrist today. I don't see him for another three weeks or so. I think therapy is going to help though since I'm more interested in learning how to cope with the aforementioned and to get a handle on my emotional eating for good.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

For the record, I am uncomfortable blogging about the fact that I need a therapist and a psychiatrist to get 'better' and heal my past and I am also aware that it might make some of you uncomfortable reading this. However, I know I have some regular followers (and not so regulars) and if putting myself out there helps just one person, then I'm glad I made myself and you uncomfortable. :)

Plugging a blog!

My BFF Heather, is taking up blogging about dieting and exercising on blogspot now. She is a writer by profession and the girl researches EVERYTHING as well as tries it out. That's basically what her blog is going to be about.

She has lost between 40-50 lbs. in the past couple of years and works out like a crazy fool (1-2 hours every day!).

Please check her out when you get a minute. Here is her blog address and you can also find her on my blogroll: http://motherfingprincess.blogspot.com/.

Love you, ho! ;) Oh, and before I forget, thought you might like this:

Accomplished

So Matt & I just figured out now why our house looks trashed all the time. We had about 3/4 of Collin's toys out in the Family and Formal Living room. Anyone who knows Collin knows that his nickname is the terrible two-year old tornado. As a matter of fact, as I was doing my cleaning/organizing today, no sooner did I put something away, he got something else out and so I was basically picking up behind him. Soooooo frustrating! I cannot wait until he's out of this phase!

Anywho...we got smart and put the majority of his toys in his room. Before we could do this, I had to go through all of his clothes to donate and store the stuff that's too small. Then I had to reorganize the closest, which entailed getting rid of a bunch of baby stuff like lotion, nasal bulbs, and baby powder, which made me sad since my baby is growing up. Next, I had to go through his toys; throwing away the broken ones or the ones with missing parts and storing the ones he's outgrown (hopefully for the next bambino! :). Lastly, I completely re-arranged his room so now he can 'live' in it a bit more and we can confine the messes to there instead of ALL OVER THE FRIGGING HOUSE.

The rest of my house is pretty much a disaster area since I had my first Saturday class yesterday (Training and Development...yay!) and didn't get a chance to touch it. However, with the majority of the toys gone, it shouldn't take long at all to get picked up and organized.

One thing down, 50 more to go.

Metabolic Syndrome

Since I've mentioned it a couple of times now I'll expand a little with what I have found. The definition of Metabolic Syndrome is: the collection of risk factors for cardiovascular disease and diabetes that include abdominal obesity, high cholesterol and blood glucose levels, and elevated blood pressure. Here is the full article from the NY Times.

Here is a portion of an article I found on SparkPeople.com about Metabolic Syndrome and diet soda:

A "Western" diet heavy in meat, fried foods and refined grains puts people at higher risk of developing metabolic syndrome, the collection of risk factors for heart problems, stroke and type 2 diabetes, a new study found. The findings confirmed previous research with one interesting twist: Drinking diet soda won't change the health-risk equation (surprisingly, it ups the risk, too), although consuming more dairy might protect you.

Here is the full link to the article on SparkPeople.

Interesting read.

Woo-hoo!

So I weighed in today and I lost 6.7 lbs.!

Holy crap?! I've never lost that much in such a short amount of time (technically 4 days since I bombed on Monday).

I know a lot of it is water weight but I credit some of the loss to cutting out the diet pop. I cut out diet pop due to the articles I've been reading about it not being good for you when you are trying to lose weight. I was also having trouble sleeping, which it seems to have helped out slightly. Instead of diet pop, I switched to green tea in the afternoon and bumped up my water.

I also started working out again this week. Nothing crazy; just 15 minutes on the elliptical a couple of times.

I told Matt the good news before I left for work this morning and the look on his face was priceless.

Only 6.2 lbs. to go until I get back to my pre-holiday weight! :)

I'm starving!

I'm withering away here people!

Okay...that's a bit of an exaggeration but I'm SO HUNGRY I can't stand it. I ate a very reasonable dinner and then waited a few minutes for my hunger to subside.

It didn't.

It got worse, and worse, and worse until I almost wolfed down a pack of Little Debbies or some leftover chocolate from Christmas.

I think I went to the cupboards, freezer, and/or fridge to look for food probably SIX times.

I settled on an old, small bowl of Chili from Saturday (yes, Saturday!) and a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese. Oh, and about two tablespoons of hazelnut cream cheese too.

I cannot wait until I officially kick back into fat-burning mode so my hunger will subside. Hopefully, it won't be much longer because I can't take much more of this. :(

On a positive note, I was dumb and got on the scale this morning but figured out that I'm already down 3 lbs.! I'm not changing my ticker until Friday though.

So far, so good!

Well...I already accomplished a couple of my New Year's resolutions mentioned yesterday. I didn't get up until the 4th or 5th time of the alarm going off but I got up about a good 1/2 hour earlier than I normally do. I did my make-up at home and blow-dried my hair before I left for work. And...drum roll please...check out what time I got to work:

Okay...so I was 3 minutes late but that's much better than the 15-20 that I normally am (eek!).

Also, I weighed in and took my measurements this morning. I'm up by about 13 lbs. since late November. About what I expected. I think some of that is water weight but it still may take me a month to get back to where I was. I'll change my ticker when I get home tonight. It's blocked here at work because our filters think it's a sex education website. WTH?

I have to work on setting some weight loss goals. A few of us from my BabyCenter birth board are having a meet-up in May and then Matt & I are going away somewhere warm and tropical (haven't decided where yet - maybe the Virgin Islands?) for our 5-year anniversary trip in September. I think I would like to lose about 40 lbs. by September, which I think is do-able since that's about 34 wks. from now, which is a little over a pound a week. I hope that I lose more than that but I want to set reasonable goals and take things slowly so I'm more apt to stay on my plan long-term. We shall see.

Oh, did I mention that I am cutting out my afternoon caffeine? I've been having issues with insomnia and staying asleep so I'm conducting a science experiment to see if that helps. Plus, I read somewhere recently that diet pop can cause metabolic syndrome, which is not conducive to weight loss since you retain belly fat and some other bad things. I'm also curious to see if that helps with my weight loss. I'm having green tea in place of my diet pop in the afternoon...

I weigh-in on Friday. I'll let you know how that goes.

A few more New Year's resolutions...

They all have to do with work:

1) Get up on the first or second time that my alarm goes off.
2) Do my make-up and blow-dry my hair at home, instead of on my way to work.
3) Get to work on time (which goes hand in hand with #1).

Oh, and here are some non work-related ones for good measure:

4) Work out three times per week.
5) Learn to organize better at home. If anyone has any suggestions (mainly for toys, paperwork, etc), I'm open to them.

Holy Frickin' Crap!

Check out these old pics! This might be just the motivation I need!

Right before I got preggo w/Adrian - August 1997 Prom 1997

Adrian's 3rd birthday party - May 2001

Also from 2001

Before I put on all of my weight, I was about a size 10-12 normally and weighed between 165 and 175 lbs. That is where I'd love to be back to and maybe another size and 10-15 lbs. beyond that.

I WILL DO IT! This year is THE year!

As my fellow blogger Lisa would say, here's to lookin' fine in 2009! :)

Christmas Comparison Pictures

Just had to share one more picture...

I knew that both of the boys had grown but this picture comparison shocked me!

CRAZY?! My babies are growing up. :(

Pictures!

Here are several pictures that I wanted to share with y'all from the past month. Enjoy!

Collin's favorite way to spend the day...

My brothers J.D. & Dane - goofballs!
My sisters Kelli & DeeDee & Adrian

Adrian & Collin at the Zoo

The Family - December 2008

Collin & Mommy

Adrian & Mommy

Collin - Christmas Eve 2008

Collin - Christmas morning 2008

Adrian & his AT-AT - Christmas morning 2008

Dad & me - Christmas 2008

Siblings (left to right) - Kelli, me, DeeDee, & Dane

My beautiful youngest sister DeeDee

The Family - Christmas 2008

This is how I found him - I swear! :)

My beautiful, second to youngest sister Kelli & me - New Year's Eve 2008

I suppose I should have put these on a slide show. Oh, well. Maybe next time...

New Year's Resolutions

1) Be more appreciative of my husband and let my actions show it.
2) Spend more quality time with my family.
3) Spend less time on the computer (goes along with #2).
4) Lose one pound per week over the next year.
5) Be in a size 14W (at least) by this time next year.
6) Participate in at least one 5K this year.
7) Focus on healing myself and leaving my past behind.
8) Cut our debt in half (at least) by this time next year.
9) Clean something around the house once per day; even if it's just running the vacuum or scrubbing the toilet.
10) Learn how to eat 'normally'; even when I'm not 'dieting'.

I'm just putting these down in writing so I have a place to remember them. :)