Quick update

I finally broke down and shared with my husband what has been going through my mind and I promised him that I would go get help. It was one of the hardest things I've ever admitted to. He is so compassionate and understanding but it's hard for me to let him in (or anyone else for that matter) because I just don't feel like he would ever understand where I'm coming from.

I also took the plunge and called my old psychiatrist today. Unfortunately, since it's been so long since I saw him, I have to see a counselor first to do the intake and then I can see him for medication (if needed). My appointment isn't until Monday, January 12th!!! Thank goodness I'm not suicidal or something worse!

It's so much for me to wrap my head around. I overeat/binge eat because I have little to no self-control and I don't know how to eat normally, then my weight soars, then I feel bad about myself, then I start to diet and exercise, feel better, look thinner, get more attention from people and then decide that I'm not comfortable with the attention and then the cycle starts all over again.

I've been having so many flashbacks of 'the incident' and I get so angry.

Angry at my father for letting this monster 'babysit' me and my brother for the day while he played house with his (then) girlfriend.

Angry at my abuser for shattering my innocence and ending my childhood on that fateful day on July 8th, 1988. I wasn't even 9 years old!

Angry at my mother for not being there to protect me.

Angry at the system for letting this monster get away and never paying for what he did to me!

Angry at 'normal' people for not understanding what I have went through and still go through on a day to day basis.

I'm not fat simply because I overeat and don't exercise.

I overeat and eat badly to keep from feeling. I eat because I'm like a drug addict who enjoys that initial high that my drug (food) gives me. Food helps me forget about my feelings and stress at that given moment.

But unfortunately, unlike a drug addict, I can never put my drug of choice away for good. I must eat to survive.

Now it's just on to learning how to do that and coping with these feelings that never seem to completely go away...

Update on weight loss (or lack thereof)

I know, I know. I've neglected my blog.

I've been here numerous times throughout the past weeks but every time I get on, I just don't know what to type because I'm so disgusted with myself.

I'm still off my plan. It's pretty much been a free-for-all since Thanksgiving.

I had a mini melt down last week after shopping for some breakfast/snack stuff at the store. I came home with Double Stuff Oreos, 4 packages of Little Debbie Snack cakes, and 4 cans of Pringles. Wow?!

I didn't really realize that I had picked up that much junk food until Matt & I went to go put it away. He was pretty pissed, needless to say. He actually confronted me about my binge/bad eating. Talk about humiliating. I know he didn't talk to me about it to accomplish that but he has not really said much to me about my eating habits throughout the 8 years that we've been together and so I was completely blindsided by this conversation.

What I did figure out is that I have no clue how to eat NORMALLY. Give me Weight Watchers, I'm good. Give me Atkins, I'm good with that too. But cut me loose to eat freely on my own and it's not a pretty thing.

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure that I'm not depressed but I'm in a funk. It's pretty much spilled over to all areas of my life. I'm bored out of my mind at work. I'm bored at home. Lord knows I have plenty to do at both places, but I just find myself lacking the motivation to get the stuff done that I need to, whether it's eating good or getting stuff accomplished.

I'm having some major sleep issues right now and so maybe that's part of my problem. I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. I toss and turn and probably wake up once an hour or once every other hour. I can't get to sleep at night when I finally get to bed...about an hour or two after I should go to bed. Then I'm dragging all day the next day and the cycle continues.

I'm seriously considering going back to my psychiatrist. I really don't want to go back on anti-depressants but maybe if it's not depression he can refer me to a good counselor.

I have been having some issues with my self-image again too. I'm in one of those moods where I don't want to be 'seen'...I'd much rather just blend into the background. I started to feel more attractive a month ago or so after I'd lost the first 20 lbs. and then I started getting self-conscious. I hate it when people look at me. Well, not women so much but I hate it when men look at me. I was starting to get to that point men were paying more attention to me. It is so uncomfortable. I really need to nip that problem in the bud.

I really, really hate the man who molested me. :( It is because of him that I'll never be "normal" in that respect.

Enough about that pig though. I've let him have way too much control over my life for way too long.

I do have a plan. I am back on my [eating] plan starting the first of the year. I will also start working out again then. My friend Jody and I are going to work out at lunch at work since we get an hour for lunch and have a nice weight room to exercise in. I am going to try to Wii Fit a couple of the other days at home. Wish me luck. I need it.

My second attempt at cutting Collin's hair

I am so proud of myself...and Collin! It took me probably a 1/2 hour to cut his hair and he didn't complain, cry, or fidget too much throughout the whole process. He's looks like such a big boy now!

Before (I don't know what this look is here?):

After:

Did I ever tell you that I wanted to be a Cosmetologist for years? Can you tell? :oP

Christmas Card 2008

Here is our Christmas card for this year, courtesy of Renee at Photocarddesign.com. They also do invitations, birth announcements, etc. Check 'em out! :)

I'm back from Florida!

I have a ton of stories but need to catch up with Matt before I go into details. In the meantime, enjoy my pictures! :)

Edited: Stupid MySpace slide show wasn't working, so here is a link to my Facebook photo album: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=12788&l=a2d8d&id=1240073638

In a slump :*(

I feel like such a loser lately...and not in a good (weight-loss kind of) way.

I've been off my plan since November 21st and have been binging like crazy. I guess that just goes to show you that just when you think you have your sh*t together, you realize that you don't. Very depressing! :(

Since I'm on a roll here, I haven't exercised since October 22nd according to Sparkpeople. WOW! I was thinking it was only a month or so but nope...42 days of no exercise. Pitiful! Seriously...WTH is wrong with me?!

I haven't weighed in since November 21st either. I'm too scared to.

Some good news is that my friend Jody got hired here at my job and she has agreed to be my exercise buddy. :) (Thanks, Jody!!!) I'm going to try to work out a 1/2 hour here three times per week and then get in some Wii time another three days out of the week.

On another positive note, I'm leaving for Naples, Florida tomorrow to visit my BFF, Joe, from high school. It's my early Christmas present from Matt. Isn't he just the best husband ever???

My goal while I'm down there is not to binge eat and to try to get in some type of physical activity. Joe lives in a condo and they have a heated pool and jacuzzi there so at the very least, my butt can get in some swim time while I'm there. Plus, we're going out for Joe's birthday on Saturday and so I'm sure I'll be burning some calories by shaking my booty on the dance floor. That should make for some great pictures too! This will only be the second time I've ever been to a gay bar and the first time was a blast. It will make for an interesting night, to say the least...

I'm not sure if I'll blog or not while I'm gone. I'm not taking my laptop but Joe has a computer. I know that I won't be sharing any pictures until I get back (unless I happen to take them with my camera phone...hmm...). I will post a picture slide show when I return so be sure to check that out next week.

I love these holidays but for weight loss purposes and getting healthy, I can't wait until they are over!

I'll be back on Monday so hope y'all have a great weekend!!! I know I will! :)

To the Spoiled Under 30 crowd

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
(If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!)

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were
growing up; what with walking Twenty -five miles to school every morning
.. Uphill... barefoot...
BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay
A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know
something, We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox
and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to
Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it
yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd
usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's
it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen
Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off
Your a$$ and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
For cartoons, you spoiled
Little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd