Rough time

That's what I'm having now. When you see me disappear for awhile, or post infrequently, it's either because I'm too busy to post or I've "relapsed". Probably more likely the latter.

I am learning a lot about binge eating through the books I'm borrowing and I definitely think that my weight problem has an element of binge eating to it. I'm just now getting to the part of the one book where I am supposed to start a journal of what I eat, when I eat, how I feel, etc. I'm extremely interested to see how that goes. I might even start posting the food journals here if I find them therapeutic or if I find that they help keep me accountable.

I'm still waffling back and forth on whether I want to stay with low-carb long-term or not. I really feel like the extreme low-carb leads to binges but that also, when I go over a certain amount (60 grams or so) that that also triggers binges. This is SO hard to figure out how to strike a good balance!

I'm definitely not giving up or quitting. That is NOT going to happen. This is just another bump in the road that I will overcome with teaching myself how to eat healthy and learning how to eat the right way.

I saw my psychiatrist today and let him know about what is going on (an almost two week long binge :( )and so he switched up my medication. The medication that he put me on should help with impulse control and binge eating so please keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm definitely nervous because there's a stigma (at least in my mind) that goes along with this particular medication and I've never taken it before. My doctor is wonderful though. He has a very open door policy and will see me any time I need to see him and so I have no doubt that if I do have any problems, we'll get them nipped in the bud.

I also finally broke down and talked to my mom (who is no longer getting divorced by the way...yay!) and let her know what is going on. She has agreed to be a sponsor of sorts for me so when/if I have a moment of weakness, I can call her anytime I need to so she can talk me down. I'm going to ask a couple other people *cough* Heather *cough* to be my go to people too so if I can't get ahold of her, I have someone else I can call or text for support. If you are interested in helping me with this new plan and you have unlimited text or would be willing to chat with me for a couple of minutes at a time, let me know because Lord knows that I need all the help I can get at this point in time.

Thank you guys for all of your support regardless. It means the world to me and I really appreciate it! :)

Quick update

I finally broke down and shared with my husband what has been going through my mind and I promised him that I would go get help. It was one of the hardest things I've ever admitted to. He is so compassionate and understanding but it's hard for me to let him in (or anyone else for that matter) because I just don't feel like he would ever understand where I'm coming from.

I also took the plunge and called my old psychiatrist today. Unfortunately, since it's been so long since I saw him, I have to see a counselor first to do the intake and then I can see him for medication (if needed). My appointment isn't until Monday, January 12th!!! Thank goodness I'm not suicidal or something worse!

It's so much for me to wrap my head around. I overeat/binge eat because I have little to no self-control and I don't know how to eat normally, then my weight soars, then I feel bad about myself, then I start to diet and exercise, feel better, look thinner, get more attention from people and then decide that I'm not comfortable with the attention and then the cycle starts all over again.

I've been having so many flashbacks of 'the incident' and I get so angry.

Angry at my father for letting this monster 'babysit' me and my brother for the day while he played house with his (then) girlfriend.

Angry at my abuser for shattering my innocence and ending my childhood on that fateful day on July 8th, 1988. I wasn't even 9 years old!

Angry at my mother for not being there to protect me.

Angry at the system for letting this monster get away and never paying for what he did to me!

Angry at 'normal' people for not understanding what I have went through and still go through on a day to day basis.

I'm not fat simply because I overeat and don't exercise.

I overeat and eat badly to keep from feeling. I eat because I'm like a drug addict who enjoys that initial high that my drug (food) gives me. Food helps me forget about my feelings and stress at that given moment.

But unfortunately, unlike a drug addict, I can never put my drug of choice away for good. I must eat to survive.

Now it's just on to learning how to do that and coping with these feelings that never seem to completely go away...