Well...

My blood work for this week came back already. My white blood cell count is still high so I get to see the Hematologist on August 13th. I'm trying not to worry but stupid me started googling things and have gotten myself all worked up. From what I gather, high white blood cells can be an indicator of high stress levels (duh!) to an infection to leukemia.

I'm betting that this is due to high stress but I guess we'll see...

Doing great!

Day two with no binging...yay! I've pretty much been right on target with my points too. Woot, woot!

I got my blood work back for my thyroid and it came back normal...once again. Argh! My white blood cell count is up high now and so I have to go back for weekly blood draws to ensure that it goes down, otherwise, I get to go to the hematologist for further workup and testing.

I am also scheduled for a sleep study August 11th, against my better judgement/wishes. I tried to tell the doctor that the reason why I am tired all the time is because I'm stressed and don't have much time to sleep. I'm stressed because I work full-time, go to school part-time, and have a family to raise/care for...plus I suck at balancing so I know I'm not doing the best I can do at this. Not to mention that I'm worried about my job security right now (who isn't right?) and money is tight for the next month. I am taking a one week unpaid "furlough" from work next week. I was kind of peeved at first until I started to talking to some of my friends and clients. One of my clients said that they made a 10% pay cut across the board at their company and a friend of mine just got offered a severance package and she's only 10 years from retirement. So...I'm just biting the bullet and am going to work from home for my old part-time job next week to try to supplement the money I'm losing.

On a good note, Only 8 more days until our TOOL concert and only a little over a month until our anniversary trip (sans kiddos) to Punta Cana. Can't wait!!!

Oh, and we're going camping at Jellystone this weekend. On one hand, I think it's a little hokey since the kids have no clue who Yogi Bear is but on the other hand, I think it's really sweet that Matt wants to create the same good memories for the kids that he had there growing up. It does appear to have quite a bit to do there so it should be fun. Collin is excited to go since he didn't get to go to South Dakota on "bacation"...this is his bacation (at least that's what we're telling him, LOL).

I know, I know. I suck.

I debated about even posting on here since I feel like I always doom myself to failure when I do. Plus, I really, really hate having people see me fail miserably, even if it just cyberspace. But, I'm doing it anyway...putting myself out there.

I think I said awhile back that I was going back to low-carb since I am desperate to drop some weight quickly before vacation. I decided against it. What made me change my mind, you ask? Just the thought of low-carbing made my binge eating OUT OF CONTROL and I could not bring myself to start back again because it made me so depressed.

What did I learn out of all of this? That I am doomed to continue failing unless I choose a plan and stick with it. A plan that is more realistic and easier to adhere to with my on-the-go lifestyle. So...I'm back on Weight Watchers. I'm doing the on-line program and trying it for free for a week. If I like it (which I think I will), I'm going to continue using it and doing the program.

I also learned that I have got to taper down the margaritas. Even with my good eating throughout the week, I sabotage all of my efforts on the weekend when I enjoy my tasty adult beverages. I still have the Baja Bob's margarita mixes at home and so I may try those when I want one.

Getting rid of my too big clothes was the best thing I ever did too. Since I don't have anything bigger in my closet, my clothes are tight and uncomfortable and that's definitely a good motivator for me. Plus, I feel like crap. I'm tired all the time, bloated, grouchy, and my back hurts. I can't believe that my back started hurting again and that my acid reflux started acting up again with the gain of only 8 lbs.

My starting weight is 232.2 lbs. as of this morning. I'll let you know how it goes.

I apologize...yet again for letting you all down. I'm officially dusting myself off today and trying this thing again. :)

224.4

That's what I weighed in at today. I looked over my stats on SparkPeople and I haven't weighed this in over 2 years; since April 2007 to be exact.

I honestly haven't been on much of a plan. I'm just eating when I'm hungry, keeping up on my water, working out again (jogging), and limiting my sweets.

I am a little nervous about my eating while I'm gone in South Dakota but I think I'll do okay. I doubt I'll lose any weight but I don't expect to gain a ton. I am definitely looking forward to Indian Tacos, Blanket Dogs (hot dogs wrapped up in Indian fry bread), and Buffalo Burgers. As we all know, I hate salads; well, at least the plain Jane ones (grilled chicken and lettuce) but if we eat out, I'll probably just get grilled chicken and veggies. Now that is a good meal right there!

I've got our hotels booked already since I know there's no way that I can drive all the way through since I'm driving by myself. We'll be staying in Rochester, Minnesota on July 1st and then near South Bend, Indiana on the way back.

Adrian is stoked. He cannot wait to leave so he meet our relatives and see where are ancestors came from. I feel bad because my Mom was talking to him about making his regalia and he really thought he was going to be dancing at the tribal pow-wow. Soon enough though...

I can't remember if I mentioned it, but along the dancing at pow-wows line, I have decided to let my hair grow out again so I can start dancing again (in pow-wows) once I'm out of school. It's not that I need long hair to dance but I would like to have it - plus I miss it. My hair has been long most of my life and it's time for a change since I've worn it short for over 3 years now.

I'm not sure how much internet access I'll have but I imagine that I'll upload some random pictures to Facebook while I'm gone. So...check 'em out there. :)

Hope everyone has a great 4th of July if I don't blog again before then...

Blah

That's how I feel.

I am not doing very well at getting a decent amount of sleep right now. In fact, I didn't get "caught up" on my sleep this weekend since I had a ton of errands to do and I'm paying for it now...I feel physically ill. :( Bless Matt's heart...he let me crash on the couch for about 2 1/2 hours. I feel a little better but I'm still going to bed in a few minutes.

I don't think my medication is helping me right now either. My doctor switched my anti-depressant about two months ago and I started having some really not so fun side effects. It helped the depression but I noticed that if I accidentally missed a dose, I would get these overwhelming feelings of really dark depression...not very much fun. So...my doctor is putting me back on my old standby. The only thing that makes me nervous about that is my binge eating. The medication I was taking was helping with that. I'm not positive how much of that was the medication or how much of that was me just getting better at recognizing my triggers and having a little more self-restraint. Guess we'll see, huh?

I finally started working out again this week. I really want to re-start the shred soon but I'm taking baby steps and starting with jogging again. I can't tell you how depressed it made me that I wasn't able to keep up with shredding. That was just yet another time that I bit off more than I could chew. I may re-start it once I get back from South Dakota. I have got to tone up; especially in my arms, thighs, and stomach area.

Down 4.2 lbs.

to 227. *Sigh* One of these days I'll figure out what the hell I'm doing so I can consistently lose weight and feel better.

My biggest flaw is a personal one. My husband will vouch for that. I tend to have these big dreams/aspirations about things (i.e. scrap booking, helping babysit for a close friend, starting a new workout program or "diet") and then when it's time to do it, I just don't...because I'm one of those people who bite off more than they can chew. I almost never tell anyone no and that my friends, makes me a good friend, but not so much a good mom or wife.

So to those of you that I've let down or hurt, I'm really, really sorry. My biggest obstacle with getting completely on track is my lifestyle. I am really busy, but I'm a huge time waster (Matt will vouch for that too). I get into these vicious cycles that I can't get out of. For instance, I mentioned that my schedule changed this week for work. Well...I have not been getting home until 6:30 p.m. and I leave at 6:30 a.m. (or so) for work - that's 12 hours per day that I'm gone for work 4 days per week. By the time I get home, I'm mentally and even physically drained from the long day and pretty much don't feel like doing anything other than mindless things (i.e. blogging or cruising my favorite internet sites). The mindless things keep me up until midnight, which leaves me tired as hell. I have got to break this cycle!!! I barely did any housework and I definitely was no mom of the week. I suck at balancing things; it's like I'm hardwired to only be able to handle a few things at a time before I just start ignoring things (my e-mail, my blog, my friends...sometimes). Sad.

I have been wanting to get healthy for a long time. I was actually going to put it off until I got out of school but I just got tired of how I felt and how I looked. So...I'm just going to keep plugging along and if I don't lose this weight for another 5 years (depressing!) then so be it. I'm going to start focusing on not binging anymore, making better food choices, and getting in physical activity when I can...which seems to only be during my lunch hour at work since I don't feel like working out by the time I get home and I am not an early riser. Plus, it seems that when I focus on getting my workouts in at night, my poor house just falls to the wayside...which goes back to the whole "I really suck at balancing things" deal.

I'm also sorry that I can be so damn wishy-washy. I wish I could just pick something and stick with it. For instance, I can tell you that I was honestly happier all last month when I was just eating reasonably healthy and not doing low-carb. I think the bigger reason why I'm back to doing it is because of our upcoming trip. I really, really want to be a little thinner than when I went 5 years ago. I just want to look/feel sexy in the pictures that I'm sure are going to be taken....know what I mean.

I imagine that once we get back from vacation that we may go on Weight Watchers. Matt only has about 20-25 more lbs. to lose until he gets to his goal weight and the closer he gets, the less Nazi-like he is about low-carbing. It seems like when I was on WW that I was consistently losing between 1-4 lbs. every week. There was a variety of food choices and I felt really good about myself when I was on their program.

Who knows though??? I'm sure I'll probably change my mind before then because that's just how I roll. :oP

Bone Marrow Donation

You can join the registry for free if you sign up prior to June 22nd. I meant to post about this when it started and I got sidetracked (surprise, surprise!) but please check it out and sign up if you're able to and if you want to help save someone's life.

I'm super excited to get my kit so I can be typed (or whatever the heck it's called). I am bi-racial (Native American and Caucasian) at that so I really, really hope that I'm able to help someone. My husband probably won't be very happy but he'll get over it. :oP

Here is the website; I hope you'll consider donating: http://www.marrow.org/ Check out the FAQs because they have debunked so many myths; myths that deter people from donating. They explain the procedure in detail (if you're chosen to donate) as well as the recovery time for the donor afterwards.

I feel so warm and fuzzy inside right now. On that note, I'm off to bed. I've got a fun-filled day with my boys tomorrow. :)