Doing much better!

I had a crappy high calorie day today but did not binge I am happy to report. It was tough because I was gone all day and woke up late so I ate out twice. Breakfast was a Sausage McMuffin and a McCafe mocha. Lunch was a KFC Snacker meal with potato wedges but I only ate one of the sandwiches. Dinner was a Healthy Choice meal. My snacks are actually what got me today. I had a chocolate with white chocolate chunk cookie and a small brownie at my work seminar. I didn't really want to eat them; I honestly only got them because I was falling asleep and needed some sugar/caffeine and because my co-workers got some and I didn't want to be the odd man out. I was under on my water too so I'm sure my official weigh-in isn't going to be good tomorrow, but you never know!

I'm doing much better as far as the depression goes. I don't know what the hell was wrong with me?! I think it was just a combination of skipping my meds, starting my period, and stress from work/school/home coming down on me. I cried every night for like 3 nights straight. Today I'm just feeling really run down. I'm definitely looking forward to the 3-day weekend.

I'm trying to convince Matt to have a date night with me this weekend. We really need one plus we have to go birthday shopping for the boys' party next weekend. Wish me luck on that...he didn't sound too interested since he's so busy with projects around here...

I think I know what my problem is

I have stopped turning to food for comfort.

I had a light bulb moment as I was crying myself to sleep last night. I know the skipping my medication has something to do with it as well but it's more so to do with not turning to food to numb my pain or make me forget about my stresses anymore.

Now I just have to figure out something else to de-stress with.

I have never felt so alone in my life when I know that I'm not. WTH is wrong with me? I just wish I could snap out of this. Maybe it's my hormones too? I started on Monday so I'm sure that isn't helping things.

Hopefully things will be back to normal soon...

Depressed

Now I'm not just stressed...I'm depressed. Guess that's what I get for skipping two days of my medication on top of all the other stress I've got going on. I just feel like I want to cry but I don't have the energy.

I've got so much shit running through my head right now. I really just need to stop and take some time to de-stress by myself...no kids, no husband, no internet, and no homework.

I seriously felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown yesterday evening. What I have known for awhile (but I try not to think about) is that I am NOT a good multitasker. Lately, I've been focusing on getting healthy, working out, etc. and then I let my housework fall behind and my family time fall to the wayside. When I focus on keeping the house in order, I drive myself crazy because it will never be perfect with all boys in the house and then I feel like a failure.

I just can't do it all. I'm not supermom, superwife, superfriend, superemployee, or superstudent. I know that and I hate it. I try to be a strong person and not think about things that will upset me. I try not to worry about things I have no control over. I'm just at a loss because I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions and have so many priorities that I don't know where I should start first. So...I just avoid certain things.

I've been trying to avoid doing this for a long, long time but I think I have no other choice. I'm going to have to stop being selfish and doing things that make me happy (i.e. internet time, T.V watching, etc.) because by everything not being done and tended to like it should be, it's hurting and negatively affecting my family.

Gah. This sucks. One thing that I learned early on when I was a single mom was to stop and take time out for myself to keep my sanity. Unfortunately, I just don't have that luxury anymore. I made that choice a long time ago when I decided to go back to school. I just can't believe it's taken me this long to finally get my shit together and realize that.

To top things off, my sexual abuse issues are surfacing with the weight loss. It's hitting me the hardest when I come in close contact with men while I'm jogging. I take my cell phone with me just "in case" anything might happen. I feel violated all over again when a stranger looks at me. I should probably get back to working on my abuse workbook. I got so wrapped up in this quest to get healthy that I put that on the back burner and now it's cropped back up since I'm getting thinner and feeling prettier.

I have been getting numerous compliments at work about my weight loss and toning. It's great on one hand but then on the other hand it drudges up all the past stuff when people tell me how good I'm looking.

God. I just want to be normal. Just once.

Stressed!

I just tracked my food; got in about 1400 calories. I didn't do any snacking today at all...I was either too busy or my nerves were too shot to think about eating.

I had my first public speaking engagement as I mentioned before. I actually did better than I thought I would. There is still definitely room for improvement but I was pleased with how everything went overall, as were my peers and the people who count. I got some good constructive criticism and I am going to attend an extra client seminar (on Thursday) to get to see one of our supervisors in action doing our piece of the seminar. She is going over the same material as I am so I'm curious to see the spin she puts on things. I definitely think I could learn a couple things from her. :) I'm not done with public speaking just yet...I have my next/last seminar for the year on Thursday next week...

I really like the food journaling but my life is crazy busy right now so I apologize ahead of time if I don't keep up with it. I am tracking my food in SparkPeople and so that's all that really matters to me right now. I will put a link to my SP food log when I get a free minute.

I am also going to start limiting my internet time for awhile. Matt has been shouldering much the burden of the household stuff for awhile and so I need to focus on helping him get stuff back on track. I fully intend on keeping up with my blog, as well as SP, and popping in on BabyCenter every now and then but I'm going to have to cut way back on BabyCenter personals since I just don't have the time to keep up with everyone right now. This sucks but I have to be more productive...even if it means sacrificing my own sanity for awhile...yeah...sad, I know. The mindless internet surfing keeps me sane...

Eek!

Sorry for not journaling the past couple of days. If you hadn't noticed by now weekends are the hardest for me. I probably won't journal today either...I'm going to be crazy busy today. I will say that Friday I was over a couple hundred calories but yesterday wasn't bad at all, although I did have a couple of Mike's Hard Punches. Today I plan on behaving. Tomorrow I am getting back on track and Shredding again.

Right now, I am shitting bricks thinking about my first public speaking engagement tomorrow. I have not practiced AT ALL (although I do know the material well) and so I'm going to do that later on, once I have my homework and a little more housework done.

Please, please, please keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow. This could make or break me for future promotions...

Food journal - day #15

Today was a good day. :)

Breakfast - 8:45 - Cinnamon crunch bagel from Panera. I felt a little guilty eating this because of yesterday but it was for our monthly departmental birthday celebration so I went ahead and ate it. It was pretty tasty and filling (for about an hour!).

Lunch - 12:00 - Margherita pizza x4 slices. I agonized over this before I left for this business lunch. I hate salads plus I'm always afraid that I'm going to have stomach issues at inopportune times, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately, Buca Di Beppo doesn't have nutritional information and so I googled the pizza and got a rough estimate of the calories and whatnot - only 325 calories per service (2 slices). I was hungry and so I ate 4 pieces. I felt a little guilty but not too much since the pieces were very thin and only had sauce, cheese, and basil on it.

Dinner - 5:30 - Healthy Choice Salisbury steak meal with mixed veggies, red-skinned potatoes, and apples w/cinnamon. I wanted to eat more but I had to run for school.

Snack - 9:30 - Turkey, light string cheese, carrots, and cantaloupe. I knew that I had to eat this since I was almost 700 calories under for the day...plus I was still hungry from not getting full from dinner.

Snack - 10:30 - SF chocolate pudding & choc chip granola bar. I was still under my calories and my calcium & fiber intake for the day (those are a couple other things I'm tracking) so I ate this for that reason, plus I was still a little hungry. I am full, but not stuffed. Good snack! (can you tell I'm PMSing here?) :oP

Water - 120 oz.
Exercise - None :( I could not drag my butt out of bed this morning. I'm still not getting to bed on time and I'm sleeping a little too good. I am going to walk/jog at lunch tomorrow and either shred when I get home or go on a bike ride to make up for my lack of exercise over the past couple of days. I feel like a slug and I actually miss working out. I never thought I'd say that but I really, really do miss it! :)

I am also happy to report that I finally made an appointment with my family doctor to get my thyroid checked in light of my mom's recent hypothyroidism diagnosis. She also informed me that I have a couple more relatives on her side of the family with thyroid problems. Plus, my paternal grandma has had a goiter removed twice now. I guess it just makes sense. I'm also going to have him do a general health workup...do some blood work, check my blood pressure, and all that other good stuff. It would be so nice to get an explanation for all of my symptoms that I've had for probably 15 years now - chronic fatigue, hair loss, extreme weight gain (80 lbs. in 5 years!), and some other things. I've had it checked a few times before but not for probably 5+ years and so I'm interested to see if anything has changed...

Keep your fingers crossed for my weigh-in tomorrow. I hope that I'm still down at least 3.3 lbs. but I won't be surprised if I'm not since I was a little down on my water yesterday and I still haven't started my period. I'm sure that I'm retaining water for that reason. We shall see. :)

Oh, and I was 200 calories under for the day. Yay!

Food journal - day #14

Today was a zinger! I had a client meeting and was out of the office the whole day. I hate getting out of my routine...it totally messes up my mojo.

Breakfast - 9:00 - Jimmy Dean D-Light Canadian bacon w/egg white and cheese on whole grain English muffin, FF yogurt, SF applesauce, coffee w/regular creamer.

Lunch - 12:00 - Grilled chicken breast w/mixed fruit (cantaloupe, honeydew, & pineapple). And then...I had a piece of peanut butter pie for dessert. I think I've talked about my love of PB pie on here before. We were in Amish country and ate at an Amish restaurant and I always get a piece o' PB pie when I'm at that type of restaurant. *blushes*

Snack - 2:00 - Bumpy nerd jelly beans. To be honest, I know I didn't need more sugar after the pie but I was dragging ass and was trying to wake myself up because I was all of the sudden exhausted. It didn't help.

Dinner - 8:00 - low-carb pizza. Yummy, yummy, yummy!

Water - 80 oz. I have GOT to get this up tomorrow since weigh-in is on Friday!
Exercise - not a darn thing. :(

I ended up getting home a little before 5:00 and I was just wiped out! I ended up laying down around 5:30 for a nap and didn't wake up until Matt woke me up for dinner at 8:00. I felt a little guilty but I honestly RARELY ever take a nap and so I didn't stress over it too much. By the time I finished eating dinner, did a load of laundry, cleaned our family room, and bathed Collin, it was 10:00 and way too late to try to work out. I'm going to go to bed shortly and *TRY* to get up at 5:00 tomorrow to work out since I really need to get another Shred session in. Anyone who knows me knows that probably won't happen but one can dream big right? :oP

BTW, prior to today's bad eating day (I was over by about 200 calories), I did a mid-week weigh-in and was down 3.3 lbs. as of this morning. Please, please, please keep your fingers crossed for me for the official weigh-in! :)