So many emotions

I feel so many emotions as I'm purging these clothes.

Disbelief - I cannot believe that some of these clothes are a size 3x?! Either I was in serious denial about my massive size or I just didn't care. Maybe both?

Anxiety - What if I fail again and don't have these to fall back on? What if this is premature?

Disappointment - I tried some of them on to make sure they were too big and some of them weren't as big on me as I had hoped.

Shame - Why/how did I let myself get to a size 24W? How did my husband, children, and friends let themselves be seen with me in public?

Memories:

Summer 2007 - I almost had to get off of a ride at Cedar Point because the seat belt wouldn't buckle until a ride attendant came and squished it together. You would have thought that would have been a low enough point that I would have been ready for a change but nope...it took me a year after that and I'm still a work in progress.

Shopping with mom last summer for my uncle's funeral - I had hardly any summer clothes that I could fit so I had to buy a few outfits before we left. One of the hardest things I've ever done is to have to admit to her what size I was then so she could help me look for clothes. Especially since she probably weights 115 soak and wet and is a size 4 or 6.

Vacation with the boys and my little sister - did I really let myself be seen in public in a bathing suit? Why didn't my little sister say anything to me about how horrendous I looked?

Winter sweaters - the bigger, the better to hide my massive fat rolls with.

I wasn't as happy or excited as I thought I would be. It's kind of surreal.

I think this is the right decision though. It will help keep me on track because when/if my clothes start getting a little snug, I won't have my 'safety net' to fall back on.

And just as a reminder to myself, here are a couple pictures of me at my biggest size:

May 31, 2006 - The day Collin was born - 271 lbs.

February 2008 - SIL's baby shower - approx. 245 -250 lbs.

February 2008 - My dad's 3rd wedding - I was so pissed off about him re-marrying and duping me into being in the wedding that I just ate, and ate, and ate until I didn't care what I ate (or looked like) anymore. In a sick and twisted way, I sort of wanted to look bad for his wedding and make him pay for hurting me and my siblings.

August 2008 - Myrtle Beach - approx. 252 lbs.

Disgusting. NEVER AGAIN.

Weekly weigh-in

Down another .5 lbs. Not much of a loss, but it's a loss nonetheless. Considering the week I've had with my illness, and not-so-good eating, I'll take it!

Stay tuned this weekend. I am purging my really big clothes and taking pictures. :)

Funny Collinism

So...

A certain little monkey-boy was jumping around on my couch, naked no less, yelling, "I've got jungle feeba! I've got jungle feeba!"

Where the hell did he come up with that?

It does make Matt & I laugh hysterically when he does it. Does that make us bad parents? :P

It's official!

I have lost six sizes since I started my journey to better health in August 2008. I noticed that my size 20W jeans that I just bought last month were falling off of me so on a whim, I tried on my Old Navy size 18W jeans. As you recall, I wasn't able to zip them up in November and I was able to zip them up today! :) :) :)

What is interesting is that I'm still up about 4 lbs. from what I was then. Proof positive that exercise does help you tone up and lose inches.

And just because I know you're all dying to see the new jeans...here you go!

Not my most flattering angle - darn baby pooch!

Front

Drumroll please...my new and improved badunkadunk!

I know this is probably queer but I'm excited because I actually have definition between my arse and my thighs. Before it was just one big giant thigh (or arse depending on how you looked at it).

Yay me!

Oh, and my fever broke! I have been sweating like crazy for the past two hours. Woot, woot!

Last gripe for awhile...

I woke up with a fever today. I wasn't feeling well last night and was freezing and sweating half the night so I knew something was going on then. So...I guess my doctor's appointment was well planned.

He said that it's just a virus. He went ahead and prescribed me an antibiotic though since I have had this chest cold for a week and a half now.

I'm just going to rest today. My MIL has Collin and Adrian is finally back at school today so there is peace and quiet here. Thank G*d! Because I feel like poo and don't want to be bothered. :(

There is just one thing I forgot to complain about...

On here at least.

My frigging thighs are KILLING me! This all stems from my 20-minute workout using The Firm the other day. I probably did what seemed like 50 squats and I've determined that they don't like me or rather I don't like them. Wowza! I am now walking like I'm a decrepit 80-year old woman.

I am pitiful.

Still sick!

I have managed to cough myself into a chest sprain and major headaches so I finally broke down and made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m. I just can't take it anymore. :(

Adrian is still sick as well. His flu test came back negative and the doctor doesn't want to see him back until Thursday or Friday if he isn't better. When I called him off today the principal told me to keep an eye on him for whooping cough symptoms because they just had another case there yesterday. Thankfully, coughing isn't his issue right now but I'm still worried about him since he's never been this sick before.

We're just a mess at my house!

On a positive note, I tried my pitas today and they are DELICIOUS! :)

A funny side note to the pitas: I had no idea that how to use pitas because my only experience with them was at Wendy's when I worked there about 10 years ago. We just folded them in half and stuffed the ingredients in there. So...Matt had to give me a pita lesson last night. I'm pretty psyched though because since I'm only eating half of one, that's only 2 carbs per pita so even better! :)

Woo-hoo!

I'm so excited and I just had to share!

I found a set of three "Biggest Loser" workout DVDs for about $25 on Amazon.com: Cardio Max, Power Sculpt, & 30-day Shred. I went ahead and paid a little extra for fast shipping and so they'll be here on Wednesday. Yippee! :)

My second big find of the day was low-carb pitas at Walmart. I found them right by the deli and they were only $2.18 for six of them, at only 4 carbs per pita. Woot, woot! I'm so excited to eat my lunch meat on something instead of with my hands or a fork.

Matt actually made a low carb pizza for himself using a pita and he said they were delicious. I'm guessing they were about 6 carbs per pizza so not bad.

It's not such a bad day after all! :)

Confession Time

I'm in a small funk. I'm STILL sick and I just don't feel like eating how I should be even though I know the junk I've been eating isn't making me feel any better.

I haven't ate a decent vegetable in days, let alone anything remotely healthy. What I have discovered is that when I'm eating badly, my body is actually craving healthy food and I'm burned out on the bad foods after about a day or two. That's a good sign, right?

Adrian is now sick and has been since Thursday. I think he's getting over the hump but he still has a fever and his eyes look horrible. If I didn't know better, I'd think that he has pink eye in both eyes except they are not all gunky. Poor guy has never been this sick before so I hope if this isn't the flu that the doctor is able to give him something to help him feel better.

He's begging me for a sub so I think we'll head to Subway after the doctor's appointment this afternoon and I'll pick up a vegetable-laden sub for myself to start getting back on track. We're also going to go to Walmart so I can check out 'The Biggest Loser' workout DVDs that everyone is raving about. That is one positive thing that I can say is that despite my crappy eating, I've continued to work out when I would have normally said to hell with it all and been a lazy slug.

Tackle one thing at a time, right?

I suck

Today I was feeling particularly energetic after I got re-hydrated and popped a couple of Ibuprofen (I'm getting WAY too old to drink anymore, BTW) so I decided to try something other than the elliptical and the Wii Fit.

I dusted off 'The Firm', got on my workout clothes, got my weights, and on my way I went.

Um...Yeah...I had to stop about 20 minutes into the work-out. Sure it was hard physically to do but it was even more difficult for me to keep up mentally with the ever changing movements. It was driving me batty and it made me feel like a huge failure.

Then I decided to try out the Windor Pilates tapes I've got. First of all, I bought the tapes back in 2005 right before I found out I was pregnant with Collin so they were never even taken out of the plastic.

Anywho...another dumb idea of mine. hahahahahaha <---- that's maniacal laughter there. I watched some of the crap they did and I know there's no way in hell that my body is able to contort like that right now.

If you have any suggestions for any work-out videos that don't make me have to think too much and use strength training, let me know. Otherwise...off to scour SparkPeople for inspiration.

Weekly weigh-in

I maintained.

I guess that's better than gaining considering the cough drops I've been eating like candy, the nightly bowls of cereal, and then the 1/2 bag of chocolate covered peanuts I ate yesterday. (shh about the last one...Matt will kick my butt)

I'm going to try to give it a good go next week since I really want to get back into the 220s soon as well as my size 18W pants.

Being sick sucks because all I want to do is eat comfort food. I haven't been overeating...just not making good food choices.

Better luck next week.

Argh!!!

So...Tuesdays & Thursdays at 11:30 a.m. are my work out days here at work. All of us exercising fools have an agreement that we respect each others work out days and times because we respect each other's personal time. The majority of us work out here because we don't have time to at home.

I went downstairs to find no one in the mini-gym. Score! I walk into the women's locker room to see a couple of girls that I see from time to time getting ready to work out. So, I say, "Hey. Are you going to use the elliptical?" They say, "Yes, but just for a few minutes to work out and then we're going to lift." I say, "Cool. That will give me time to get dressed." Score!

I take my time getting dressed, get my iPod ready, and then I walk out...only to find one of the guys I work with on the elliptical. Where's the pissed emoticon when you need it?

I feel like crap since I'm still sick and all I wanted to do was de-stress and hack up a lung on the elliptical.

Then...to top it all off, some Effer stole my olives from the fridge so now part of my lunch is missing. :(

It's just one of them days...

Hi, my name is Jessica...

And I'm a Bare Minerals addict!

Seriously...have any of you ever worn this makeup? It is the BOMB!

I have what I like to refer as 'ethnic' skin...crazy oily T-zone and very noticeable pores. When I used to wear Clinique, my face would look like it was melting by the afternoon and my skin felt awful!

Not anymore! This stuff makes my skin feel completely awesome and it's got great coverage. My BFF Amy commented on how great it looked on me today at work (today was a full make-up day since I had a client meeting - so I'm sure that lead to her comment).

At first, I started with just the foundation, then blush, and now I'm wearing their lip gloss. It's more of a cross between a lipstick and gloss and it makes your lips feel great! It has peppermint oil in it which makes your lips all tingly and it actually plumps them slightly (or so the saleswoman told me - I can't tell since my lips are HUGE to begin with).

It's a little pricey - $20-$25 for a foundation and $18 for a lip gloss but the stuff lasts forever and is great for your skin. Plus, for every $100 you spend, you get $10 off. Can't beat that! :)

So...if you haven't tried it already, head to a Bare Minerals near you for a make under. You won't regret it! :)

Blah

I'm having one of those blah weeks. I'm doing okay in the work out department but my eating sucks. It hasn't been horrible, but it certainly hasn't been great. I have had a bowl of cereal the past three nights...I didn't even bother measuring out the cereal last night. I just didn't care. So...my weigh-in is probably going to suck on Friday but I guess you'll have off weeks every now and then.

I think a bigger part of it has to do with the fact that I've got a yucky chest cold. My cough is non productive and I've got this itchiness in my throat that will not go away no matter what I do.

Oh, and AF is here to top things off.

Yeah...I'm allowed to have an off week. I promise I'll be back on track next week...

You sure do know how to make a gal feel good!

I, quite possibly, have the best group of cyber and real-life friends ever. :) Thank you all SO much for your support. Your e-mails, chats, and well-wishes are much appreciated. I still struggle on a day to day basis with getting healthy (I refuse to call it a diet since I think of diets as temporary) but I do know without your support (as well as Matt's), I wouldn't have made it where I have today.

I do have some special shout-outs:

Becky - my cyber BFF. You have been my #1 support throughout this process and I don't know what I would have done without you. Thank you for answering my questions and just being there for me. I can't wait to finally meet you this summer!

Heather - my real life BFF. I love the fact that you're blogging now. You have a wealth of information already in your blog and I can't wait to read your next installments. Thanks for talking me home numerous nights and listening to me whine.

Lisa - Thank you for being so candid on your blog. You are such a sweet person and I know that you WILL reach your own weight loss goal in the future. Just take it one pound at a time, girl. We didn't get chubby overnight so unfortunately, we're not going to lose it overnight. Hang in there!

Matt - Maybe I should have mentioned you first. Since we all know I don't cook, this definitely wouldn't be possible without you. Well...maybe. I'd just be eating those processed frozen boxed meals that Becky hates so much. :P But seriously...you keep me (or try to keep me) on the straight and narrow and are a huge inspiration to me with your dedication to getting healthy. I love you.

Jody - Thanks for being my work-out buddy and listening to my vents. :) I'm so glad you got a job at our company.

Sara, Lisa, & Edy (and anyone else I forgot) - thanks for being so upbeat, supportive, and positive on our message boards. You guys rock! :)

I am having a rough week this week. No binge or overeating really, just having a hard time focusing and staying away from the bad food in the house (i.e. Valentines' Day candy!). I am going to try to step up the exercise this week since the Saturday class is done (I got an A+ by the way), so hopefully that will help counteract some of the damage I've done. We'll see...

Woot, woot!

So the doggone tax people finally called us in so we could sign to get our taxes filed. Turns out that we're getting about $2,000 more than we thought we were. The even better news is that we could be completely debt-free within a few months after we use our tax return to pay off some credit cards. Yahoo!!!

I'm seriously about ready to cry. A good cry though...

Private now...whew!

My blog is private now, thank god!

It wasn't any crazy family members who found my blog...it was crazy ex co-workers. Long story, short...someone that I used to work with (don't know who but have an idea) found my blog and was forwarding it to other people in our industry.

It's weird because I really didn't think that a) I'm all that interesting and people would care so much, b) that anyone would find it who I didn't want to find it (especially since I'm careful never to mention my last name or where I work), or c) that I would be so creeped out by the whole situation.

I'm really kind of pissed about it because I feel like I'm sorting through a lot of things that could help someone else and since my private space has been violated, I can't do that now (help others, that is).

Oh, well. It probably won't be private forever but I'm just too creeped out for it to be public right now.

Yay!

Down another 1.5 lbs. for this week's weight loss! I know it's slow but I'm cool with that. I'd rather take it off slowly this time as I teach myself good habits and keep it off long-term than to lose it quickly through deprivation and then binge and gain it all back.

On another positive note, Collin seems to be feeling a little better this morning. He hasn't gotten sick again since 4:30 this morning and he's been able to keep liquids down. He's eating toast as we speak. He still has a fever though but I know he's feeling better because he's back to being a little pistol this morning.

Just keep your fingers crossed that I don't get sick too. I have my final presentation for my Training and Development class tomorrow and it's worth like a 1/4 of my grade. Wouldn't that be just my luck?!

It's going to be a long night...

My baby has the flu... :(

I had NO idea he was sick until he puked in the frozen food aisle at Walmart. Talk about mortified?! He got sick on Adrian...me...and my purse. (thank goodness I hadn't switched over to my new knock-off Prada purse that I got for Christmas!)

Bless his little heart though. He was so upset that it happened. He even said he was sorry afterwards. (aww...)

Walmart is officially off my poo-list now though. Adrian had to run to the bathroom to get towels to clean Collin up (this all happened the ONE time I didn't bring the diaper bag). I just stood there dumbfounded, trying to comfort Collin, when this nice employee came up to help. I started apologizing and she told me not to and directed me to the towels and trash can in the aisle (who knew?)... she even went and got a mop to clean up the mess on the floor.

I just hate it when the little guy is sick. He's not like Adrian. Adrian gets sick a time or two, maybe over the course of 12 hours, then he's all better. Not Collin. It's over and over and over again until I have laundry falling out of the laundry room and I have no more clean bedding.

Wish me luck...

Going private very soon...

So send me your e-mail address (if I don't have it already) if you want to keep reading my blog. My e-mail is siouxgal79@yahoo.com.

Darn crazy family members!

Reflections

I have been in a really good place mentally this past week. :)

Matt & I have been reconnecting and I feel closer than ever to him now. We've not been doing anything special...just sitting and talking...reflecting on our feelings...sharing new things with each other. It's hard to believe that we've been together for 8 1/2 years now. Marrying him was the best decision I ever made. I know I've said this before, but I am truly blessed to have him in my life. He is my best friend.

Speaking of him, I am so proud (and jealous!) of him. He has lost close to 30 lbs. since we started our journey to get healthy in August. He's lost probably close to 6 inches on his waist and he is looking HOT! I think he said that he's only got another 15-20 lbs. to go before he's at the weight he was when we started dating. (I've got another 59 lbs.! I'll get there though. :)

I had a great session with my therapist on Monday. She said some things that really made sense. The biggest thing that has been running through my mind is that diets are all about deprivation. For those of us who binge or over-eat, it's really hard to diet because of that. Sometimes it is what triggers those dark moments.

Something that is also helping me is to get into the mindset that I shouldn't live to eat, but rather eat to live. If I'm still hungry after dinner, I drink something and wait 20-30 minutes to make sure that I'm actually hungry before I get a snack or more food. I've also been having crazy cravings for cereal...guess what? I've been eating it! I found a fairly low-carb cereal (Banana Nut Cheerios...yummy!) and I've been eating a small bowl when the craving hits. I've also switched to using smaller spoons when I eat so it takes me longer to eat and I trick my body into thinking that I'm actually eating more when I'm not.

I hope this positive attitude continues because if it does, I really feel like I can get healthy this time! :)

Yeah!!!

So...I got my iPod yesterday. I don't remember if I told you all that I was getting one or not. My friend Becky suggested that I get one. Not only does listening to it perk up my mood, but I have a feeling that I'll have a much cleaner house and that I'll work out more.

One interesting thing that is kind of related to this is that I found out in my Training & Development class that I'm an auditory learner. What does that mean? That means that I'm very musically inclined...I even learn to music...seriously! (that's how I memorized stuff when I was in my accounting classes)

When I was single and had my own apartment, it was spotless! I used to turn on my stereo, jam out, and clean the heck out of my house. I can't jam out to my tunes anymore because: a) Matt hates my booty-shaking music (I don't blame him...I'm almost 30-years old and listen to the stuff that my teenage brothers and sisters like...sad or cool? you decide), b) it's not really kid-friendly or kid-appropriate music, and c) I like really loud, I mean really LOUD music....I want my kids to be able to hear when they're older.

Added bonus with the iPod: it drowns out the tantrums of my terrible-two year old. (does that make me a bad mom?) :)

Weekly weigh-in

Down another 1.2 lbs. this week for a total weight loss of 8.3 lbs. over the past month. I wish it were higher but I've been taking Saturdays off because of that Training & Development class I'm taking all day then. I've not been going hog wild...just not low-carbing on those days.

I also lost a 1/2 inch around my neck and 1 inch on my hips. No loss around my waist but I have noticed that I'm getting my 'hourglass' figure back so I'm happy with that. :)

Today was a good day.

I feel like I'm always 'Negative Nancy' on here so just wanted to report my mini-victory. I kept my net carbs under 20 grams today.

I haven't gotten to work out since Thursday (I think?) and I'm not sure if I'll get to tomorrow but I did work out 100 minutes last week, exceeding my goal of 90 minutes.

The best part about today is that I wasn't hardly hungry and the only artificial sweetener I had was in my coffee and about 12 oz. of diet coke...no candy or anything else. Yay!

Hope tomorrow goes just as well...

Camera phone pics!

I know...you're all SO surprised that I've got more! :) Just 3 though...

See! I'm not the only one who likes camera phone pictures.

I had a really good hair day today so I decided to immortalize it. Because that's just how I roll.

So...what do you think? Mini me or mini Matty? (for those of you who know Matt)

Back to homework. Or maybe I'll just stab myself in the eye with an icepick. That'd probably be more fun than this shit...