Can't believe this thing is still here?!

So I totally deactivated my Facebook because I can't stand the political negativity right now. I joined Facebook back in 2009 for fun and to keep up with my friends and family but it's lost its luster for me. Because of this, I think I might revive this old thing.

So what has been going on since I was last here?

- My job was eliminated in May 2015 after I busted my ass for a corporate merger to be successful. Turns out it doesn't matter that you put in 40+ hours a week, sacrifice time from your family, etc...corporate America just doesn't give a fuck about you so just be aware.

- I started working for a new company, doing the same thing (workers' compensation for employers) in late 2015. The new company is extremely small but I'm back working with clients and doing what I love. The higher-ups in the company actually appreciate us and know that there is value in what we do. The difference in how I am treated now versus the previous company is amazing!

- Adrian moved out. He is 19 now and having many personal problems. He isn't talking to us now but is working full-time and going to school so there's that. He also seems happy from what we've been told. I'm not stressing too much about him right now since I fully believe he'll come back around. He's just going through an independent phase, which I did as well at the same age. I still miss him but he's an adult so I'm just letting him spread his wings and fly.

- Collin started middle school (6th grade) this year. Waaahhh! My baby is growing up too quickly! He also received an autism spectrum disorder back in 2015 around the time my job was eliminated so that's been a roller coaster of emotions.

- I remain head over heels in love with Matt. He gets me and accepts me for who I am...flaws and all. We've been together for 17 years now (married for 13) and we're to the point where we finish each others sentences, have the same thoughts at the same time (he deactivated his Facebook yesterday too, LOL!), and all kinds of other good things. I love that man something fierce!

- I am now seeing a therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, and psychologist to help me work through my eating disorder and related issues. I was diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder back in May and just recently started EMDR therapy to address my PTSD. I haven't lost much weight since I started this journey in March but I'm okay with that. For the first time in my life, I'm comfortable in my own skin and I love myself. That is HUGE! I'm less worried about losing weight and more concerned about getting where I need to be mentally and emotionally. Once that happens, I believe that the rest will fall into place.

So yeah...all good stuff for the most part. I don't expect anyone to read this but it will be nice to have an outlet for my feelings as I continue this journey and to find some new blogs to read to fill the void that Facebook has left. I'm also looking forward to reading more books and just doing more things for myself.

Life is good people. Life is good. 💖💖💖

Trying this AGAIN!

I can't believe that it's been almost a year again since I've been on here last?! 

Anyway...I've decided to come back to use this space as a journal.  I need a place to come to be able to get my feelings out in a healthy manner.  I have got to stop this cycle of being healthy and then OCD eating. 

I no longer think I am a binge eater.  I am a compulsive eater.  I've mentioned before that I am an emotional eater but I'm also compulsive with my eating.  I have certain bad habits that I have got to break...the emotional eating being one of them.  I also have some confessions that I am going to make along those lines just so I can recognize them and figure out a plan to deal with them:

• I am addicted to sugar.  When I am not living healthy I must have some sort of dessert at least once a day.  Here more recently, it's been several times a day.  :(  My favorite go to's are any sort of cookie, candy, or ice cream.  I'm afraid to cut sugar out of my life completely because I know it would cause me to binge.  However, if I keep it in my life, I rationalize why I am permitted to eat it.  It's a slippery slope. 
• I'm addicted to junk food.  If it's in my house, I will eat it until it's gone.  
• My food addictions are partially to blame for us being in a massive amount of debt right now.  I had to come clean to Matt a few months ago because the anxiety was nearly killing me.  I'm proud to say that we've managed to pay off probably around $8,000 in debt since March but we've still got a long way to go.  
• My compulsions will cause me to steal junk food from my kids.  Pathetic.  :(  
• I live everyday in fear that I may not wake up the next morning or that I'm going to have a heart attack and die during the day.  I don't want to live that way anymore.  
• My food addiction has either caused or contributed to my anxiety issues.  I have been struggling with anxiety now since May 2012.  I honestly used to think it was in people's heads until my struggle began.  I also have agoraphobia that goes along with my anxiety.  That really sucks when you have to leave the house to go to work everyday and then being at work causes you to have no choice but to come out of your shell.  I honestly don't know how I made it to work some days over the past year with my anxiety being that bad.  

I'm sure that I may add to this list later on but for now, that's what I've got to work on.

I do have some positives that I have to pat myself on the back for:

• I have taken the stairs nearly everyday since December 2012 at work.  Sometimes even 2-3 times per day.  
• I absolutely love exercising.  Especially yoga and running.  Unfortunately, running doesn't like me.  I attempted the couch to 5K again a couple of months ago and was only able to make it through half of week #2.  My left knee has been bothering me off and on since I first took up running again a few years ago and it's never been the same since then.  I've came to the conclusion that I need to get down to a more reasonable weight before I attempt running again.  I think my extra weight is just too much for my knee.  

So...what's my plan for now, you ask?  Here's where I am going to start:

• I am going to use My Fitness Pal to track my food and activity.  I have a good support system there and it's free.  
• I am going to cut out pop completely again and try to drink at least 5 glasses of water per day.  
• When I get a jonesin' for something sweet, I will try to eat something healthy like apples and peanut butter or greek yogurt and a piece of fruit.  
• I will walk on my lunch hour at least 3 times per week.  I will also work out at least 3 times per week here at home or at the Y.  
• I will focus on eating more whole foods and less processed foods. 
• I will allow myself one cheat meal per week (or one wine night per week, LOL!).  I have really developed a love for wine over the past couple of years but I need to either learn to drink it in moderation or learn that I have to exercise my ass off if I'm going to drink a lot in a night.  

Congratulations if you made it this far.  This was one long-ass post.  

I'm baaaaaaack!

I'm not sure how much I'll be posting but I know I need to get back to doing this for my sanity.  What has happened in the last 8 months or so...let's see...

1) My husband is feeling much better although he now has asthma from his horrific lung issues over the winter.
2) My blood work is now back to normal.  My diagnosis according to my health profile on my insurance website was Thrombocytosis.  This has been the second time in the past 5 years that I've dealt with this.  They have no clue why it's happening but I guess it's not so serious.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thrombocytosis
3) I got a promotion at work.  I'm now a manager of sorts.  Fun stuff. 
4) I've been suffering from horrific anxiety attacks since May.  I *think* I figured out on my own what was causing them (in addition to high levels of stress).  I've been taking both Prevacid and Allegra for an extended period of time and both can cause anxiety problems, heart palpitations, etc.  Not fun.  I'm finally starting to feel better.  I hope this isn't a false alarm because I'm tired of feeling like shit every day.  :( 
5) Because I have been so sick, I'm now finally taking my health seriously for once in my life.  I have decided that I am not counting calories or writing down foods.  I *know* how to eat healthy.  I've been doing various diets on and off for the past 10 years so I've learned a few tricks.  Because I'm now eating sensibly, not drinking pop, and for the most part only eating healthy snacks, I've managed to lose about 7 lbs. in the past few weeks.  Yay! 

At this point in time I will say that I'm not as concerned with the number on the scale as I am about how I feel.  That's how I'm gauging my progress.  I'm hoping to get back to working out this week.  That's another thing I've missed out on since exercising has induced these wonderful panic attacks.  I think I'm finally feeling well enough to get back on the horse again.  Wish me luck!  :)

Monday, February 6, 2012

I lost another (almost) 2 lbs. this past week. Finally getting into a groove. I'm losing about 1-2 lbs. per week and I am totally fine with that. Especially since I'm not as hungry as I once was and I'm not feeling deprived. Yay! I'm not tracking like I should or working out but I'm proud of myself for making healthy choices. I am feeling a little better each day and I just realized that I (knock on wood) haven't been sick since early November. That's a long stretch for me, LOL.

Anyway...my heart tests got rescheduled for tomorrow so I should have the results back later on this week. I'll keep you all posted though. I did go ahead and put myself back on Prevacid since I have a history of acid reflux/GERD and I'm feeling much better this week so I'm wondering if that might be the problem? Let's hope so since that's an easy fix.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Sorry for disappearing. I have (once again) a TON going on in my life right now. My husband has been really, really sick with a mysterious lung infection. We know it was pneumonia right before Christmas and it's now cleared up but he keeps getting worse when he goes off of steroids. That's kept me plenty busy since he can't do much right now. Oh and let's not even talk about work. Ai, yi, yi, yi!

I'm having my own health problems as well. I've been having some chest pain off and on for several months now. Could be my heart, could be my gall bladder, could be anxiety. I'm hoping it's the latter but I'll keep you posted. I've got an echocardiogram and EKG tomorrow. My insurance company denied my doctor's request for a stress test but if the two tests come back funky, they may approve it based on medical necessity. My bloodwork did come back a little odd; my platelets were high so I have to go back for another draw tomorrow to see whether or not that was just an anomaly. Bloodwork always gets me nervous because I've had "odd" bloodwork before. In fact, I had to see an oncologist a few years back for several months until my blood was back to normal. I hope this isn't another issue like that. As long as it's not serious, I'm fine with whatever, LOL. Don't Google high platelet counts...you'll convince yourself that you have cancer or some other crazy disease. Ugh.

Anyway...despite going out of town last week for a night (and eating at Ihop, LOL), I managed to lose 1.6 lbs. and 0.5% body fat. Yay me! I didn't get a chance to work out but I'm getting back on the train this week. I'm hanging in here...even if I'm not posting my food and whatnot everyday.

Monday, January 23, 2012

I lost no weight this week but I didn't gain any either. I weighed exactly the same. I know what the issues are: 1) I'm eating too much salt (I am craving it like crazy for some reason...and it's not even that TOTM?!), 2) I'm not drinking enough water, 3) I'm snacking too much and not choosing good snacks, and 4) I'm eating too much processed food. Too late for the latter...have to wait to go grocery shopping this weekend to change that. I'll work on a couple of those items this week and hope to see an improvement next week.

I am proud of myself for staying the course and not giving up completely. I nearly cut out all pop completely. I worked out 3 times last week. And last but certainly not least...I'm not giving up! :)

FYI - I doubt I'll be on here tomorrow. My husband and I have a hot date in Toledo, Ohio to see Tool. Yeah!!! :)

Morning
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal	0
Midday
1 item(s) Classic Favorites Salisbury Steak (9.5 oz)	7
1 large clementine(s)	0
1 tray(s) Just For ONE! Cauliflower and Cheese Sauce	1
Subtotal	8
Evening
2/3 cup(s) Mashed Potato Roasted garlic mashed potatoes, just add water, prepared	4
1 cup(s) cooked broccoli	0
1 tsp whipped salted butter	1
1 1/3 Balsamic Chicken with Mushrooms	5
Subtotal	10
Anytime
6 oz Light 'n Fit nonfat vanilla yogurt	2
1/4 cup(s) sunflower seeds	5
1 large banana(s)	0
3 serving(s) Pita Chips - Parmesan, Garlic, & Herb (Aldi's)	11
Subtotal	18
Food PointsPlus values total used	36
Food PointsPlus values remaining	2
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0
Check off these important items daily:
Liquids Milk & Milk Products Fruit & vegetables Multivitamin/Mineral Healthy Oil Activity

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Had a rough night last night but doing much better today. I am sad to report that I went over my weeklies and used all of my APs (and then some), but I am proud of myself for working out 3x this week and for being more active. I have already noticed a difference in my energy levels, how I feel in general, and clothes so that means more to me than any number on a scale. I have no clue where I'm at weight loss-wise. I decided to stop weighing in more than once a week, since my weight fluctuates so much. So...I'll be interested to see what the scale says tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me! :)

Morning
2 serving(s) Sugar free French vanilla coffee creamer (Aldi)	2
1 large clementine(s)	0
1 serving(s) Morning Express Egg sausage and cheese smart morning wrap	6
2 cup(s) black coffee	0
6 oz Light 'n Fit nonfat vanilla yogurt	2
Subtotal	10
Midday
12 item(s) uncooked baby carrots	0
2 wedge(s) Light Creamy Swiss Original Flavor	1
1 serving(s) Classic Favorites Swedish Meatballs	7
1 serving(s) Mott's Plus Light Applesauce	1
Subtotal	9
Evening
2 cup(s) tossed salad without dressing	0
5 oz grilled chicken breast fillet(s)	4
1 serving(s) Marzetti Honey Dijon Mustard	5
1/4 cup(s) Shredded Sharp Cheddar Cheese	3
Subtotal	12
Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal	0
Food PointsPlus values total used	31
Food PointsPlus values remaining	7
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0
Check off these important items daily:
Liquids Milk & Milk Products Fruit & vegetables Multivitamin/Mineral Healthy Oil Activity