224.4

That's what I weighed in at today. I looked over my stats on SparkPeople and I haven't weighed this in over 2 years; since April 2007 to be exact.

I honestly haven't been on much of a plan. I'm just eating when I'm hungry, keeping up on my water, working out again (jogging), and limiting my sweets.

I am a little nervous about my eating while I'm gone in South Dakota but I think I'll do okay. I doubt I'll lose any weight but I don't expect to gain a ton. I am definitely looking forward to Indian Tacos, Blanket Dogs (hot dogs wrapped up in Indian fry bread), and Buffalo Burgers. As we all know, I hate salads; well, at least the plain Jane ones (grilled chicken and lettuce) but if we eat out, I'll probably just get grilled chicken and veggies. Now that is a good meal right there!

I've got our hotels booked already since I know there's no way that I can drive all the way through since I'm driving by myself. We'll be staying in Rochester, Minnesota on July 1st and then near South Bend, Indiana on the way back.

Adrian is stoked. He cannot wait to leave so he meet our relatives and see where are ancestors came from. I feel bad because my Mom was talking to him about making his regalia and he really thought he was going to be dancing at the tribal pow-wow. Soon enough though...

I can't remember if I mentioned it, but along the dancing at pow-wows line, I have decided to let my hair grow out again so I can start dancing again (in pow-wows) once I'm out of school. It's not that I need long hair to dance but I would like to have it - plus I miss it. My hair has been long most of my life and it's time for a change since I've worn it short for over 3 years now.

I'm not sure how much internet access I'll have but I imagine that I'll upload some random pictures to Facebook while I'm gone. So...check 'em out there. :)

Hope everyone has a great 4th of July if I don't blog again before then...

Blah

That's how I feel.

I am not doing very well at getting a decent amount of sleep right now. In fact, I didn't get "caught up" on my sleep this weekend since I had a ton of errands to do and I'm paying for it now...I feel physically ill. :( Bless Matt's heart...he let me crash on the couch for about 2 1/2 hours. I feel a little better but I'm still going to bed in a few minutes.

I don't think my medication is helping me right now either. My doctor switched my anti-depressant about two months ago and I started having some really not so fun side effects. It helped the depression but I noticed that if I accidentally missed a dose, I would get these overwhelming feelings of really dark depression...not very much fun. So...my doctor is putting me back on my old standby. The only thing that makes me nervous about that is my binge eating. The medication I was taking was helping with that. I'm not positive how much of that was the medication or how much of that was me just getting better at recognizing my triggers and having a little more self-restraint. Guess we'll see, huh?

I finally started working out again this week. I really want to re-start the shred soon but I'm taking baby steps and starting with jogging again. I can't tell you how depressed it made me that I wasn't able to keep up with shredding. That was just yet another time that I bit off more than I could chew. I may re-start it once I get back from South Dakota. I have got to tone up; especially in my arms, thighs, and stomach area.

Down 4.2 lbs.

to 227. *Sigh* One of these days I'll figure out what the hell I'm doing so I can consistently lose weight and feel better.

My biggest flaw is a personal one. My husband will vouch for that. I tend to have these big dreams/aspirations about things (i.e. scrap booking, helping babysit for a close friend, starting a new workout program or "diet") and then when it's time to do it, I just don't...because I'm one of those people who bite off more than they can chew. I almost never tell anyone no and that my friends, makes me a good friend, but not so much a good mom or wife.

So to those of you that I've let down or hurt, I'm really, really sorry. My biggest obstacle with getting completely on track is my lifestyle. I am really busy, but I'm a huge time waster (Matt will vouch for that too). I get into these vicious cycles that I can't get out of. For instance, I mentioned that my schedule changed this week for work. Well...I have not been getting home until 6:30 p.m. and I leave at 6:30 a.m. (or so) for work - that's 12 hours per day that I'm gone for work 4 days per week. By the time I get home, I'm mentally and even physically drained from the long day and pretty much don't feel like doing anything other than mindless things (i.e. blogging or cruising my favorite internet sites). The mindless things keep me up until midnight, which leaves me tired as hell. I have got to break this cycle!!! I barely did any housework and I definitely was no mom of the week. I suck at balancing things; it's like I'm hardwired to only be able to handle a few things at a time before I just start ignoring things (my e-mail, my blog, my friends...sometimes). Sad.

I have been wanting to get healthy for a long time. I was actually going to put it off until I got out of school but I just got tired of how I felt and how I looked. So...I'm just going to keep plugging along and if I don't lose this weight for another 5 years (depressing!) then so be it. I'm going to start focusing on not binging anymore, making better food choices, and getting in physical activity when I can...which seems to only be during my lunch hour at work since I don't feel like working out by the time I get home and I am not an early riser. Plus, it seems that when I focus on getting my workouts in at night, my poor house just falls to the wayside...which goes back to the whole "I really suck at balancing things" deal.

I'm also sorry that I can be so damn wishy-washy. I wish I could just pick something and stick with it. For instance, I can tell you that I was honestly happier all last month when I was just eating reasonably healthy and not doing low-carb. I think the bigger reason why I'm back to doing it is because of our upcoming trip. I really, really want to be a little thinner than when I went 5 years ago. I just want to look/feel sexy in the pictures that I'm sure are going to be taken....know what I mean.

I imagine that once we get back from vacation that we may go on Weight Watchers. Matt only has about 20-25 more lbs. to lose until he gets to his goal weight and the closer he gets, the less Nazi-like he is about low-carbing. It seems like when I was on WW that I was consistently losing between 1-4 lbs. every week. There was a variety of food choices and I felt really good about myself when I was on their program.

Who knows though??? I'm sure I'll probably change my mind before then because that's just how I roll. :oP

Bone Marrow Donation

You can join the registry for free if you sign up prior to June 22nd. I meant to post about this when it started and I got sidetracked (surprise, surprise!) but please check it out and sign up if you're able to and if you want to help save someone's life.

I'm super excited to get my kit so I can be typed (or whatever the heck it's called). I am bi-racial (Native American and Caucasian) at that so I really, really hope that I'm able to help someone. My husband probably won't be very happy but he'll get over it. :oP

Here is the website; I hope you'll consider donating: http://www.marrow.org/ Check out the FAQs because they have debunked so many myths; myths that deter people from donating. They explain the procedure in detail (if you're chosen to donate) as well as the recovery time for the donor afterwards.

I feel so warm and fuzzy inside right now. On that note, I'm off to bed. I've got a fun-filled day with my boys tomorrow. :)

Nothing spells motivation like a...

B-I-K-I-N-I

I'm one of THOSE vacationers. You know...the fat ones who probably shouldn't be in bikinis but says to hell with it since they're on vacation in a foreign country where they'll never see anyone again. Yep...that's me. I just don't give a shiz. :oP (the bikini halter you see above is the actual bikini...the bottoms are boy shorts in the same pattern/colors).

Old Navy has their bathing suits on sale right now so I bought two bikinis for our anniversary trip. I tried them on today and had Matt take some pictures. Holy hell?! If that wasn't motivating enough, I don't know what is?!?!?! I may share them eventually...just not right now. I'll drop some more weight and then use them as progress pics.

Yeah...I definitely, definitely need to drop at least 15 lbs. before I leave.

I still have yet to work out this week. I am just flat worn out. Collin didn't sleep well at all on Monday and Tuesday and this new work schedule has me all screwed up. I'm not getting home until 6:30 and my motivation is seriously lacking this week because I'm just really burned out right now. The good news is that by working late, I'll be home by noon tomorrow! :D The boys and I are going to lunch and then swimming until Matt gets home. They are so excited and so am I...I rarely get quality time with them so this will be a welcome change.

On a happy note, I leave in less than two weeks for South Dakota and our friends from Ireland will be here to visit next week. :) They'll be here (in the states...not with us) for almost 3 weeks so we'll probably see them a couple of times. I can't wait!!!

Kashi Go Lean Crunch

Is the bomb! I just bought it at the store the other night for the first time as a back-up snack. I was still hungry after dinner last night and so I had myself a bowl. I think it might be my new favorite cereal. :)

I am doing well in the eating department this week. I'm not eating as low-carb as I had wanted to; I wanted to do Induction through Atkins' plan but I'm still keeping my carbs at 30-50 per day, so that's not bad. I still haven't gotten a chance to work out but I've been busy doing stuff around the house since I'm on break from school this week. I'm shooting to work out at lunch or at home tonight...

Best invention ever!

The Rival Sno Cone maker. I have a feeling that sno cones are going to be my new favorite treat. The good news is that they make sugar-free sno cone syrup (thanks, Becky!) that is only 5 calories and 0 carbs per 2 oz. serving. Yummy!

On a food related note, I did good today. Actually, a little too good. I was busy doing projects around the house and skipped lunch altogether. I made it (egg salad) but I didn't get a chance to eat it before dinner. My calories are way too low right now (under 1000) and so I'm going to go eat something else...I just have to figure out what now??? Maybe that egg salad pita...

ETA: I did end up having the egg salad pita with some swiss cheese. My calories are now less than 1700 and my carbs less than 50. I had wanted to be closer to 30 carbs but 50 isn't bad...I also got in my water for the day (120 oz.)...yay! :)

231.2

That's what I weighed in at this morning. I've been avoiding the scale because I've been on yet another "break". That's about a 5 lb. gain in a couple of weeks. Less than I thought it would be but I'm still completely frustrated that I'm back over 230 lbs. yet again!

I'm on a mission now though. I'm fed up and tired of being fat. Part of it's vanity but part of it's just wanting to be healthy too. I noticed weird things this time with the little weight gain. My skin around my stomach started feeling tight. I felt a little winded going up the stairs this week. I just feel like crap period, when I'm eating junk and not working out.

So...here are some things I'm going to do to help me achieve my weight loss goal:

1) Eat low-carb. This time around I'm going to try to eat some leaner protein, cut out unnecessary "sweets" (i.e. sugar-free chocolates), and limit tasty adult beverages. I finally found some Baja Bob's mixers locally (Meijer's)that I'm excited to try when the notion hits me.

2) Exercise 3-4 times per week. This actually isn't too hard for me since I can work out on my lunch hour. I do want to get back into strength training though since I know that burns more fat than aerobic exercise.

3) Water, water, water. 120 oz. per day is my goal.

4) Weight loss goal pictures everywhere! I finally made copies of my weight loss goal picture yesterday and I'm putting one up by the fridge/cupboard, in my car, at work, and in my purse. These are all of the places that can trigger me to eat badly (well, not my purse but I can take it out and look at it when I'm not in any of those places).

5) Replace bad habits with good ones. This might be hard for me. Mindless eating is what gets me in trouble. I have really been wanting to read a good book (Twilight!) and since all of my Internet sites are slow right now so I might try to do that or better yet, I will play with my kids. My quality time with them is lacking and so that will be another goal of mine. Adrian, Collin, & I played in the back yard on Friday and I forget how much fun it is to just let go and act/play like a kid again.

6) 8 hours of sleep. This will be a tough one. Neither of the kids go to bed until after 10:00 and so by the time we get them to bed, I just want some down time which leads me to stay up until 11:00 p.m. or later. That's not good when I should be up by 6:00 the following morning for work.

If I do 4 of the 6 things over the next week, I'll be happy.

I finally booked our trip to the Dominican Republic (Punta Cana) this week. I found some great pictures of our hotel and I am STOKED! We are going for 6 days / 5 nights, it's all inclusive (that's all the food, alcohol, and tips included), and we don't even have to leave the resort if we don't want to since they've got snorkeling, windsurfing, and all that good stuff available on the resort.

And finally...for your viewing pleasure, my weight loss goal picture and my current picture:

Current (6-7-09)

Goal - Taken in 1999 - I weighed probably 165 lbs. here. I still have this skirt and I would LOVE to fit back into it. My ultimate goal is 150 lbs. but I'd take 165. :)

Half-way there!

As of today, I'm officially half-way through my degree. Woot, woot! I passed my math final too. Double woot, woot! So...I'm officially on break for the next week and a half. I can't wait to just hang out and spend time with the family.

I have so much stuff coming up! Summer quarter starts June 22nd, which is the same time that our friends Leah & Trevor will be flying in to visit from Ireland. Yay! Adrian & I will leave for South Dakota on July 1st and then Matt and I are headed to the Dominican Republic on September 5th. I am booking the trip this week; I just have to meet with a travel agent to get a couple of questions answered. I cannot wait!!!

Eating has been pretty terrible and I haven't worked out in a week. I've been stressed out with work and school but I'm looking to get back on track this week. As much as I hate to admit this, I think I'm going to go back on low-carb for awhile. I have came to the conclusion that I am going to be somewhat miserable either way I try to lose weight. If I do a low-fat/low-calorie diet and splurge every now and then, I will lose weight the "healthy way" but very slowly, which depresses me. If I do low-carb, I'll lose weight quickly but be depressed because of the lack of food choices. I'm just to the point now where despite my triumphs, I still feel like a fat cow. My goal was to be at or below 200 lbs. by our trip and I don't think that's going to happen. It still might happen by the end of the year though. I'm just sick and tired of being a lard ass!

I think that gets you caught up for now. Hopefully things will slow down since I'm only taking two 2-credit classes this summer but no promises...ahh!

Added my food tracker...finally!

To the upper left hand corner. Now you can spy on what I eat, heh, heh, heh!

On a very positive note, I wanted to report that I only ate two of Collin's cupcakes (one on his b-day and one on Sunday)! The last time I made cupcakes, I'll bet I ate 10-12 over a long weekend. I am so proud of myself! I really wanted an extra one on Sunday night before I went to bed but I refrained. More or less because I'm tired of bingeing on food like that and then having to either lie about what happened to it or avoid the question altogether.

We also have a big bag of M & Ms in the house. It has been here since Friday night and I haven't ate a single M & M!

I did, however, buy an economy size bag of smarties today. I feel so liberated now that I'm not eating low-carb. I'm (fortunately) not a huge chocolate fan and now that I'm trying to focus on eating well-balanced, quality meals/snacks I tend to stay away from high calorie / high fat snacks like chocolate. Instead...I eat 1-4 packs of smarties. Sure they're empty calories but at 25 calories per roll, they satisfy my sweet tooth when I get one. I <3 them!

Don't get me wrong...I have had a couple of ice creams (think flurries) and some other "bad" snacks / meals over the past month but I am getting to the point where if I have a high calorie day, I don't sweat it and I just work harder and eat better the following day. For example, I am planning on eating a Der Dutchman Long John donut (DELICIOUS! best donuts ever!) on Thursday since we're celebrating a birthday at work. That will be the only "bad" thing I eat that day and I'll be working my ass off the next day or two to work it off. It will be soooo worth it though. :)

I have set a goal to get to 220 lbs. or below by the end of this month. That's between 6-7 lbs. that I need to lose. I think it is more than do-able if I buckle down. As long as I lose a pound a week, I'll be happy but to see 220 on the scale, would be icing on the cake...

Wish me luck.

Finally getting around to blogging!

I have not been in a very chatty mood lately...sorry! Let's see...what have I been up to over the past week and a half?

Well, Memorial Day weekend was kind of nice. I say kind of because it was nice to be off of work but we worked on a ton of projects around the house and outside (yet when we were "done" it didn't look much different). We took Collin to ride a train for one of his birthday presents. He had a blast! We actually had a good time too...well...almost all of us. Adrian had a near breakdown towards the end of the ride because he was on sensory overload. I forget sometimes that he will always have Sensory Integration Dysfunction and just because he has outgrown a lot of his issues doesn't mean that he won't always struggle with some. I felt so bad for him! :(

I did my second/last public speaking engagement on Thursday (the 28th). I did SO much better than I did the first time. I had zero negative comments this time on the feedback forms and actually had a handful of clients say that they liked my segment the best. :) I would definitely speak again next year...I have a feeling that I might be asked again since not many people enjoy public speaking. It's a huge rush and once you find your niche, it's fine.

We had the boys' birthday party this weekend. It was nice because it was just close family. We got to spend adequate time with everyone and the boys didn't get too much stuff. Adrian's big gift was a Nintendo DS Lite and Collin got a bunch of Thomas the Train toys among other things. Adrian has close to $250 saved now so he's SO close to getting his PlayStation 3! I'm so proud of him for saving for it since January. :) He actually made the Merit roll this year too so we'll be giving him some more money for that and so I have a feeling that he'll have it by the end of the month...Oh, I made Collin's cake too. I'll post pics down below. I'm so proud of myself, although Matt and my sister Kelli did help with the "cars" since I was running really behind and didn't have time to make them myself.

Other than that, just trying to figure out where we're going for summer vacation. Originally, we were going to go to South Dakota for my mom's family's reunion and our tribal pow-wow. Mom then changed her mind because she wasn't going to have the money so we had decided that we weren't going to go since she wasn't going and we then planned a "staycation". Well, my great Auntie Clara isn't doing so well (my maternal grandmother's sister) and since she's the closest thing I have left to my Grandma Amos (she died before I was born), I would really like to go and meet her and get to know a bit more about that side of the family; especially since our culture is dying and there aren't many elders left. I think it would be a great experience for the boys to experience that side of their culture as well as for all of us to get to know mom's side of the family a little better. Matt isn't too crazy about going (understandable...it's a 16-hour car drive with no stops! plus he doesn't have much vacation time for the year) so I don't know what we'll do. We have to decide soon though because if we go, I have to cancel the staycation (set for the week of June 15th) and then I'll have to start planning for the week over the 4th of July. Ahh...decisions, decisions!

As far as the eating/exercising goes, it's not been terrible but it's not been great...kind of in between. I did get down to my lowest weight in 2 years last week...226.6 lbs. I have decided that I'll still kind of loosely have an official weigh-in day but I'm just going to record my lowest weigh-in for the week in my actual tracker since I'm all over the board anymore.

And here are a few pictures of what we've been up to...

Collin enjoying his first s'more of the season

The boys before the train ride

Me & Collin on the train ride

Daddy and the boys on the train ride

Collin's 3rd birthday cake - idea stolen from BabyCenter (as much as I'd like to take the credit for it, I can't)

Collin with his b-day cake